Tongan Ninja: The Jemaine and Taika-starring action-musical movie that’s been ignored for far too long

James Croot is the editor of Stuff to Watch.

OPINION: It’s the Kiwi underground classic that helped launch the film career of Jemaine Clement.

The first screen outing for the unique musical stylings of him and Flight and the Conchords’ partner Bret McKenzie and probably the only movie (we hope) to ever apologise in the credits “to the upset woman in Hataitai for the naked jogging incident”.

Yes, 20 years before this month’s Red, White and Brass’ celebration of our capital’s Tongan community debut in cinemas, another hero from the kingdom took Wellington – and the world – by storm.

READ MORE:
* Wellington Paranormal’s Jemaine Clement reveals ‘alien’ encounter
* Flight of the Conchords named fifth best comedy act of the century by the Guardian
* What We Do in the Shadows: TV fright gave Conchords star Jemaine Clement his best idea
* NZ Film Commission turns 40: Ten under-rated Kiwi classics you must see

But despite making a splash at Cannes in 2002, especially with audiences, and selling to more than 25 territories, Tongan Ninja hasn’t received much love from the country of its birth. It only graced New Zealand cinemas screens as part of the 2004 NZ International Film Festival and now the only ways to legally watch it is on DVD from either Aro or Alice’s (definitely recommended because of some of the crazy additional content), at Ngā Taonga Sound & Vision, or via a link that’s been on YouTube for the past four-and-a-half years (and is even listed on the movie’s Wikipedia page).

It’s a travesty that this cult hit (it was a hugely popular DVD-rental in the mid-noughties), minor Kiwi masterpiece and time capsule that features so many great Kiwi comedians has been so shabbily treated.

Like Peter Jackson’s feature debut Bad Taste, Tongan Ninja was a privately funded, labour of love that took 18 months of weekends to shoot.

Director Jason Stutter and his co-writer Clement’s parody of the Hong Kong movies of the 1970s (much of the plot was inspired by 1972’s The Way of the Dragon) is essentially a loving tribute to the films of Bruce Lee, as well as video games like Street Fighter (each of the Tongan Ninja’s main opponents is given an intro – complete with theme music). But, perhaps the best description comes from the hilarious trailer, which suggests, “it’s a movie that combines the martial arts splendour of The Rocky Horror Picture show, with the musical magic of Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon”.

The hero of the story is Sione (Sam Manu). Raised in Master Magasaki’s (Charles Lum) island dojo along with another child, Marvin (Clement), after his father’s plane had to make an emergency landing and his beloved Papa died trying to rescue the two boys, Sione answers an SOS when one of Magasaki’s old friends’ restaurant is being squeezed by Wellington crimelord Mr Big (Victor Rodger, whose character looks uncannily like Brian Tamaki here).

“I’m the P.I. that you sent for,” Siona says to the restaurant owner’s niece Miss Lee (Linda Tseng) when they first meet at the Wellington wharves. “Ah, the private investigator,” she says.

“No, the Pacific Islander.”

As Miss Lee shows him the sights of the city and gives him a tour of the business, it isn’t long before Sione discovers what he’s up against. The So-Called Syndicate have already tricked Miss Lee’s uncle into borrowing a large sum of money and henchmen (who include Dave Fane’s Herman and Raybon Kan’s “Asian Sidekick”) now regularly disrupt service and chase away customers with the aim of ensuring the restaurant fails, so they can take control of the building.

While a defiant Sione proves to be more than just a wrinkle to the plans of Mr Big and his pals, the kingpin still has a few aces – and skilled assassins – up his sleeve, including one very familiar with Sione.

As you might have guessed, the plot is not exactly Tongan Ninja’s strong point. Yes, the delights here are in the details.

As with Clement’s later, more-celebrated parodies of vampire movies (What We Do in the Shadows) and police reality series (Wellington Paranormal), he takes traditional tropes and gives them a fresh, often exceedingly funny spin.

In true chop-socky style, all the audio is overdubbed with voices that don’t exactly match the characters, while the cursing is best described as “creative” (“I don’t care who the flip you fudged up,” Mr Big blasts his underlings at one point). Meanwhile, the copious, “choreographed” fight scenes contain such moves as “the Raging Bull” and ‘the Ball Twister”.

But you certainly don’t have to be schooled in kung fu cinema to enjoy all the japes. There are nods to an iconic scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, key plot points from The Empire Strikes Back and a reference to The Karate Kid in the form of the wait staff attending the LaRusso dojo.

One of the highlights is a car chase that’s a brilliant pastiche of early Bond movies (“Somehow he knows where we are going,” worries Kan’s Sidekick. “Should I stop indicating?” the Ninja driver queries), while there’s something Monty Python-esque about Fane and his crew returning to the restaurant to do some more smashing up because “we had some money left on our parking meter”.

Actually, Fane’s Herman gets all the best lines. From insisting that “this car is not moving until everyone puts their seatbelt on” while attempting to kidnap Miss Lee, to his late, emtional plea that “violence isn’t the answer – it’s not even a question mark, or an exclamation point!”, he is perhaps Tongan Ninja’s unsung hero.

Then there are the Clement-McKenzie songs. You can hear the proto-Conchords style in the Elvis-meets-007 opening credits title tune (“He’ll kick you in the head and the with other leg, he’ll make his bed – talking about the Tongan Ninja”). I mean who else could rhyme “shuriken” with “chocolate skin”?

There’s also a Busby Berkeley-style dance number in the restaurant kitchen that’s a riff on M’s 1979 Pop Muzik (Chop Suey) – complete with a Taika Waititi cameo – and the cabaret-style Nunchaku Lover.

So while I congratulate the makers of the delightful Red, White and Blue and hope Kiwis pack out cinema sessions of it in the next couple of weeks, I also think its time Tongan Ninja got the credit and showcase it deserves.

At a time when movie theatres are crying out for content and one cinema chain decided the lamentable rom-com 27 Weddings was worthy of a 15th anniversary re-release, why the hell don’t they dust off this brilliant little Kiwi cult classic for a potentially whole new audience to enjoy?