The Spinoff’s winners and losers for the week of January 30.
- It was a good week for Judith Collins, who retired from politics lauded by colleagues and opponents. As Chris Hipkins put it: “the best way to be popular in New Zealand politics right now is to be dead. Probably the second best way to be popular is to announce that you’re leaving.” It was also a good week for resurfacing old tweets about Judith Collins:
- It was a bad week for Donald Trump’s Gaza board of Peace after Christopher Luxon declined an invitation to join. They’ll now have to manage without his statesmanlike contributions to global diplomacy: “Well, what I would say to you is, it’s a very complex issue and actually there’s some very strongly held views on all sides.”
- It was a good week for investors in gold, which continued its extraordinary bull run despite a brief pull back. It’s nice to see people moving their money away from crypto and NFTs and into things with real underlying value, like shiny rocks.
- It was a bad week for east Christchurch, which was hit with another round of the notorious Bromley Stench. The Bromley wastewater treatment plant was set on fire five years ago and has been periodically letting out odours ever since. However, it has helped to keep out things the residents consider undesirable, such as tourists, migrants, and joy.
- It was a good week for Peaches & Cream, which sold out of nine-inch squeaky pecker toys shortly after Christopher Luxon confirmed he would be attending Waitangi Day. This year will be the 10th anniversary of another bald National Party minister getting schlonged across the face by a dildo.
- It was a bad week for police public relations. A new poll found that over a quarter of New Zealanders have little or no trust in the cops. In response, senior police staff tried to cover up the research, prosecuted the pollsters for harassment, then all gave themselves promotions.
- It was a bad week for kākāpō fuck season. The native parrots are extra horny and extra polyamorous this year because a bumper crop of rimu berries is giving them extra energy. But now those freaks at DOC are killing the vibe by broadcasting the kākāpō via 24/7 livestream.
- It was a good week for bipartisanship, with Labour and National teaming up to pass a new piece of modern slavery legislation. Act leader David Seymour dismissed it as “virtue signalling”. To some extent that is true, but of all the virtues to signal, opposition to slavery seems like a good one.
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