This year marks the 30th anniversary of the Gottman Institute. Thirty years of research, thousands of scientific observations, and one question that continues to fascinate the community of relational psychology: How do we help couples thrive?
What Is the Best Way to Help Couples?
I’ve been asking that question since I sat with my first couple in 1992, four years before the Gottman Institute was founded. And about a decade after that, I met John Gottman for the first time, and was invited onto his research team another ten years later. Since then, I’ve had the privilege of watching the Gottman Institute grow from an innovative research lab into a global leader in relationship science.
And as the Institute was growing over the past three decades, so was I. I co-created a marriage of my own, raised two children to adulthood, and had the privilege of using the Gottman Method day after day in my office. I started off wearing pantyhose and high heels and I even had a Lady Diana haircut back then.
Whether our clients were wearing skinny jeans and Uggs, or barrel jeans and Adidas, my team and I have been testing and re-testing this model to see whether what worked in 1996 and 2006 still works today. The reason I trust this model so much is because of its willingness to integrate new findings from the greater psychology community, and change the recommendations accordingly. We have tweaked the interventions and have noticed that the problems people need help with are very different than when George H.W. Bush was president.
The #1 Thing That Has Not Changed in 30 Years
But even more important than what has changed is what has stayed the same over these past 3 decades. It has nothing to do with how AI or the political climate are changing our lives. In fact, I imagine this would track all the way back to Shakespearean times. The one central theme we have consistently observed regarding relationship health is the following:
Love thrives in the ordinary, not the extraordinary
Relationships don’t live or die from the major events that happen in our lives. They thrive or dissolve on a series of Tuesday afternoons.
I like to talk to my clients about Tuesdays, because they are the days that no one remembers.
We remember the outliers: the proposal, the wedding, the birth of a child, the special vacations. We also remember the devastating argument when someone mentioned breaking up, the day our partner wasn’t there for us when we desperately needed them, or the moment we wondered if our relationship would survive. Those moments matter. They shape us. They deserve our attention.
But those moments are not the foundation of our love.
Tuesday is the day with no special expectations or strong feelings. Monday carries the stress of beginning again. Friday brings the anticipation of the weekend. Birthdays, anniversaries, and vacations invite us to be intentional. Tuesday is the day no one photographs.
The ordinary moments are where relationships are either strengthened or slowly neglected.
Who asks, “How was your day?” and actually listens to the answer?
Have you noticed when your partner seems unusually quiet?
Are there smiles when the other walks through the door, or hugs before unloading the groceries?
Is there laughter at an inside joke that no one else would understand?
These moments are so small that they almost disappear. Yet over time, they become the emotional climate of a relationship.
What Every Successful Relationship MUST Have
One of the most enduring findings from Gottman research is that thriving relationships aren’t defined by the absence of conflict. They are defined by the presence of friendship. Partners consistently turn toward one another. They express appreciation. They respond to bids for connection. They repair after difficult moments. They build a culture where each person feels seen, valued, and emotionally safe.
None of those habits requires a romantic getaway.
They happen on Tuesday.
I’ve often told clients that our partner should become the calm in our hurricane. Life rarely gets less demanding. Careers become more complicated. Children need us. Parents age. Financial pressures mount. Technology competes for our attention in ways we couldn’t have imagined thirty years ago.
Perhaps that’s why Tuesday matters so much.
In the middle of all that chaos, we have the opportunity to become one another’s refuge.
Sometimes that refuge looks surprisingly ordinary: making your partner a cup of tea without being asked, looking up from your phone when they begin telling you about their day, or celebrating a small success that no one else noticed. These moments don’t feel significant when they happen.
But they accumulate.
So does their absence.
Disconnection happens over time
When couples come into my office feeling disconnected, they often point to the most recent fight or the milestone that disappointed them. Yet as we begin talking, another story usually emerges. Somewhere along the way, they stopped noticing each other. Conversations became logistical. Appreciation became assumed. Affection became postponed until life slowed down.
It almost never happened overnight.
Love had been quietly slipping away on countless ordinary Tuesdays.
The beautiful news is that the opposite is also true.
Love grows on Tuesday.
It grows in a six-second kiss before leaving for work (and yes, you can do this in front of your kids, it’s actually good for them!). Love grows when you ask one more curious question instead of assuming you already know the answer. It grows in laughter over the dinner table when phones are in a different room, or a reassuring hand on a tired shoulder, a genuine “I’m glad you’re home.”
These are not insignificant gestures.
They are the architecture of a lasting relationship.
What Have We Learned in 30 Years?
Thirty years of Gottman research has taught us many things. The world has changed dramatically during that time. We communicate differently, work differently, parent differently, and face challenges that previous generations could hardly imagine.
Yet the deepest needs of the human heart have remained remarkably constant.
We still long to be known.
To be chosen.
To be comforted.
So if I could offer one gentle reminder after more than three decades of sitting with couples, it would be this:
Love rarely leaves in a dramatic door-slamming exit. More often, it walks away slowly and quietly on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon.
But the best thing about Tuesday is that another one is always coming and it’s never too late to allow yourself more warmth and connection.
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