Parenting teens is tough, there’s a fine line between guiding them and hovering a little too close. Experts say when parents blur that line, it can hold kids back from building independence and confidence they’ll need as adults. Are you overparenting your teen? Experts share 5 signs to watch for.
A new research study published by “Youth,” an international journal, examined the long-term developmental impact of overparenting on 135 college students at a four-year U.S. university.
“Helicopter parenting during adolescence and emerging adulthood may deprive children of important opportunities to engage in behaviors that would facilitate their successful transition into adulthood,” the authors wrote.
The results of the study found that children who are overparented demonstrated, “perfectionistic traits along with low motivation, mental health challenges and struggles with self-efficacy that followed them into the workplace.”
So how do you know if you’ve crossed into overparenting territory? Keep reading to find out.
Well, before we get to the tips, let’s first define exactly what overparenting is.
Basically, “overparenting” is “helicopter parenting,” a term coined by teacher, psychologist, and psychoterapist, Haim Ginott, in 1969, to describe a parenting style where parents are too overprotective and overly involved in their children’s lives.
Here are five red flags experts say to watch for.
You’re still reminding your teen about every deadline
By the teen years, students should be managing their own calendars. “Not everything is high-stakes,” said Meredith Sjoberg, a psychologist and the head of counseling programs at Lakeside School in Seattle, in a recent interview with Huffpost. She stated that kids learn a lot from forgetting an assignment here or there. Let them take the lead on managing deadlines.
You email teachers for them
It’s natural to want the best for your child, but jumping in to send that email or make that call can signal a lack of confidence in their abilities.
“I do get emails that sound like they might be worded by an adult and not a student,” Crystal Sandiford, director of college counseling and college transfer office director at Bard High School Early College Queens in New York City told the outlet.
Instead, she suggests letting middle schoolers start drafting their own emails to teachers, and by high school, stepping back almost completely.
You fix problems before they can try
Seeing your teen struggle isn’t easy, but solving everything for them robs them of problem-solving skills.
“It’s hard to see [your teen] struggling, and you don’t want to feel like you’ve failed as a parent,” Sjoberg said. “Building agency goes hand in hand with growing a student’s confidence.”
You pick their classes or control their assignments
Choosing electives or telling them what to write about may seem helpful, but it limits their growth. Sjoberg encourages parents to step back and say, “What do you think you need right now?” Students gain confidence by making academic choices themselves.
You’re too involved in the college process
Deanna Dixon, dean of admission at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts, sympathizes with both parents and students but cautions parents to let their children participate in this experience alone. This is their decision, not yours. Parents, beware, showing up to the interview, isn’t a good look.
“I’ve seen parents try to enter the college interview space either in person or virtually,” Dixon said.
Additionally, Dixon has observed parents say things like, “When we write the essay,” noting that this “take[s] the ownership away from the student and discourage students from using their own voice in the process.”
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