Chelsea Handler Chides the Supreme Court

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Speaking From Experience

Chelsea Handler kicked off four nights of guest hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Monday night, saying, “I will be here all week long, or at least until Republicans make it illegal for women to talk.”

“Jimmy is off right now doing whatever the [expletive] he wants with his body.” — CHELSEA HANDLER

Handler dedicated her monologue to the Supreme Court’s Friday decision to overturn Roe v. Wade.

“Remember like five days ago when Fox News told us the biggest threat facing America was drag queens? That was cute.” — CHELSEA HANDLER

“At this point I’d probably have more rights if my vagina was an AR-15.” — CHELSEA HANDLER

“And by the way, I’m speaking from experience on all of this as someone who had three abortions in high school. And if that sounds too extreme, let’s pretend I had two. Because here’s the thing: This planet is a much safer place without me polluting it with my children. I’m responsible enough to know that we don’t need any more pothead molly-loving alcoholics running around topless.” — CHELSEA HANDLER

“Not only has this decision further divided our country, most families now have two separate group texts going: one with relatives who support the rights of women and one with the relatives who live in Florida.” — CHELSEA HANDLER

The Punchiest Punchlines (Supreme Court Edition)

“People just want things done. No one cares about Kente cloth or singing on the Capitol steps and especially not poetry, all right? I feel like any moment now Chuck Schumer is going to throw on a fake pregnant belly, and just take a knee in the Capitol and be like ‘We are all pregnant now and we’re standing together.’” — TREVOR NOAH

The Bits Worth Watching

“The Daily Show” correspondent Michael Kosta investigated vasectomies on Monday’s show.

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will appear on Tuesday’s “Late Show.”

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