England v South Africa: second Test, day one – live! | England v South Africa 2022

44th over: South Africa 130-8 (Rabada 26, Nortje 4) There’s a whiff of stalemate about this passage of play, particularly when Nortje, hitherto strokeless, is batting.

Saying which, he has just glided/edged Broad between slip and gully for four to get off the mark from his 16th delivery. With the sun out and the ball ageing, batting looks pretty comfortable even for the lower order.

43rd over: South Africa 125-8 (Rabada 25, Nortje 0) Stokes continues to hammer the middle of the pitch, thus far to no great effect. It would be interesting to see the data since England adopted this tactic against the lower order. They’ve had one or two shockers, most notably against India at Lord’s last year, but there must be a reason why they are persisting with it.

42nd over: South Africa 124-8 (Rabada 24, Nortje 0) Rabada biffs Broad past Anderson at mid-on for four, an inelegant but effective stroke, and then clunks a pull short of the aforementioned quadragenarian.

“Anyone else feeling extremely nervous at the prospect of England batting before 6.30pm today?” says Richard O’Hagan. “Come on, after the last 12 months I can’t be the only one.”

The last 12 months?!! I’m still in therapy for Lord’s 2005, and that story had a happy ending. Don’t talk to me about Dubai 2012. You don’t wanna go there.

41st over: South Africa 119-8 (Rabada 19, Nortje 0) Stokes replaces Anderson, who has the usual Hadleean figures: 15-4-32-3. A couple of bumpere are deftly avoided by Nortje, who is a better player than a Test average of 8.41 would suggest.

“Pub names?” says Ken Andrew. “My old local in Ireland used to have a regular called Mickey Two Gulps, ‘cos, well, he drank every pint in two gulps.”

I’m gonna go get the papers get the papers.

40th over: South Africa 118-8 (Rabada 18, Nortje 0) England have to bat last against Harmeraj, so despite a poor start South Africa won’t feel like they are out of this game. Even a first-innings deficit of around 100 wouldn’t alarm them too much.

Broad hits Rabada on the shoulder with a short ball, then pitches it up and is flicked elegantly for two and one off successive deliveries.

“This short stuff,” says David Hindle. “It’s like the Bond villain. ‘Now I will fail in an amusingly ludicrous way, to kill you, so that you will come back later in the story and send me to my doom, Mr Rabada…Mwahahahaha!’.”

Are you saying England are history?

39th over: South Africa 115-8 (Rabada 15, Nortje 0) Rabada pulls Anderson handsomely through square leg for four, then makes room to slap the next ball over extra cover for three. Not sure why Anderson is bowling that length, and I’m sure he’d be thrilled to receive my advice on the subject.

38th over: South Africa 108-8 (Rabada 8, Nortje 0)

WICKET! South Africa 108-8 (Verreynne c Foakes b Broad 21)

37th over: South Africa 104-7 (Verreynne 20, Rabada 7) Rabada swings a slow Anderson bouncer around the corner, Leach cutting off the four at your mum’s favourite position, backward square. Do people still respond to questions, statements and greetings with “Your mum”? I do hope so. Anyway, Anderson flings down a fuller one and Verreynne edges … but the ball dies on Crawley. Two dots follow, Anderson fielding well when the over’s final delivery is driven straight, and that is drinks. As such, my watch is over; here’s the great Rob Smyth to croon you through the remainder of the day.

36th over: South Africa 103-7 (Verreynne 20, Rabada 6) Yup, here’s Broad, and Verreynne eases his loosener to third man for one, then Rabada turns the next ball to fine leg for one more. Verreynne then carves behind square on the off side as Athers bemoans the antics up to which his son is getting at Reading; by this time tomorrow, “last evening” will have taken on an entirely new meaning. These two are playing nicely enough now, and though conditions are helping, the hutched batters will be feeling regret, I daresay – England bowled well and the pitch offered a bit, but not a five-down bit.

35th over: South Africa 99-7 (Verreynne 18, Rabada 4) Rabada drives two to cover, and looks alright out there. Imagine the havoc he and his pals would’ve wreaked had Elgar inserted England. You’ve got to laugh.

“In the last 18 months,” says Adrian Page, ‘“only Root, Bairstow and Elgar of the 22 playing average over 33. Why did South Africa think this would get to day four for two spinners to come in to play?”

Yes, especially with Jansen in nick. But even if we do get there, are we really saying that Harmer is so deadly, he can make the difference? If England are making a mess of playing spin, Maharaj with the seamers rotating at the other end would be more than enough to clean them up – especially given Root and Bairstow are, I think, more likely to be undone by extreme pace than middling turn.

34th over: South Africa 97-7 (Verreynne 18, Rabada 2) Robinson goes around to Rabada and tests him with one that slants in and narrowly eludes the edge; his ability to target the stumps, from in the trees, really is excellent and unusual. Rabada then shoves off the hip for one, the only run from the over, and I’d be thinking about Broad now.

Back to pub characters, there was a lad who used to drink in one I frequented who, whenever I went in, would be putting Jimi Hendrix’s Hey Joe on the jukebox over and over again.

33rd over: South Africa 96-7 (Verreynne 18, Rabada 1) I don’t know, I think there’s a fair chance McCullum and Stokes know more about cricket than I do. But this short stuff to tailenders, when targeting the stumps has got England to this point, doesn’t seem the most sensible. Verreynne nudges a single to leg, them Rabada ducks a bouncer and also get one into the on side. Surely Anderson is good enough to pin him in front or nick him off?

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32nd over: South Africa 94-7 (Verreynne 16, Rabada 0) Verreynne shovels a single into the off side, then Rabada ducks underneath a bouncer. On which tangent, imagine being a spinner with no athletic ability – strong fingers and big hands, but no fast-twitch muscle fibres, reaction speed, or hand-eye – and suddenly you’re facing West Indies. I’m terrified even thinking about it. Anyhow, Robinson sends down another no ball, then thinks he’s gulled Rabada into nicking off via fuller one; the umpire says no, England say review, but I don’t think there was an edge.

31st over: South Africa 92-7 (Verreynne 16, Rabada 0) Anderson comes around to the left-handed Rabada, but gives it too much and Foakes has to dive leg side to prevent byes. Still, a double wicket maiden; he’d’ve took it.

WICKET! Maharaj lbw b Anderson 0 (South Africa 92-7)

31st over: South Africa 92-6 (Verreynne 16, Maharaj 0) Anderson has never taken a Test fifer at OT, BUT HELLO!

REVIEW! STILL OUT!

WICKET! Harmer lbw b Anderson 2 (South Africa 92-6)

30th over: South Africa 92-5 (Verreynne 16, Harmer 2) Harmer takes a single then Robinson finds another fine delivery, coming down from on high and landing on that length that has batters unsure whether to play forward or go back. Verreynne does neither, stuck on the crease and jabbing unconvincingly, but when offered width next ball, he opens the face and runs down for four.

“I’d have thought by now that Stokes’ luck would have run out,” says Adrian Page. “I’d still say that his ability and Woakes’ luck would be a cricketer that averages 25 with the bat and 45 with the ball.”

I can’t agree with that – the best sportsfolk have timing, and that’s force of personality and force of skill, I think, not luck.

29th over: South Africa 87-5 (Verreynne 12, Harmer 1) Harmer drops to mid off and charges – what on earth is he thinking? A single like that, with the ball popping up at nicely catchable height and Ben Stokes running onto it with three stumps at which to aim? But inexplicably, Stokes hurls and misses by a way, so yerman is off the mark.

28th over: South Africa 86-5 (Verreynne 12, Harmer 0) Robinson chucks in another no ball, but it’s the only run from another testing over. And we learn that the noise we and Gaffaney heard was the toe of the bat catching the pad; I’m a little surprised that was enough for him to raise the finger.

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WICKET! Verreynne c Foakes b Robinson 12 (South Africa 85-6)

27th over: South Africa 85-5 (Verreynne 12, Harmer 0) It’s Anderson from the other end and he’s a got an over at Harmer, who’s yet to score; he’s sees away a maiden pretty comfortable.

“I once crashed a random wedding with my village cricket team,” confesses James Barnes. “They knew we were interlopers (most of us in shorts) but they sportingly decided to let us drink at their open bar. Danced to Baggy Trousers with the father of the bride to boot.”

I never had that down as a wedding tune, I must say; I’m not surprised they welcomed the extra oomph.

26th over: South Africa 85-5 (Verreynne 12, Harmer 0) It’s Robinson to set us away again, and his loosner is wide and in the slot, so Verrenne makes sure to put it away through cover; Stokes charges after it, dives, hauls it away from the rope with his fingertips … and they run four. This game! A two follows, inadvertently shouldered through slip, then two more via pull, and that is, I think, the most profitable over of the innings so far, eight from it.

Righto, off we go again. It’s sunny now, but do South Africa have the batting left to exploit the improvement in conditions?

“A simpler and more economical solution to pints getting warm is to drink quicker,” offers Martyn Fairbrother in 31 degree Paris, while Jeremy Boyce offers this: “I can’t understand your surprise there. I’m down in the hot south of France, they only ever serve halves/25cl here (it’s all yellow fizz) unless you totally INSIST on a pint, for exactly that reason. Obviously it doesn’t matter when you’re drinking bitter, room temperature is OK. Hence our pints back there in Blighty. However, I deduce that the half-drinkers your mate spotted must have been drinking either laaaaager, or IPA, both of which are better served chilled. Also, given the price of a pint (or almost anything actually) these days, the 10p extra sounds like small beer….”

One might, alternatively, take a leaf out of Withnail’s encyclopedia.

“As a young man growing up in the Midlands,” confesses Deepak Puri, “my mate and I would each put on a suit and tie and head to the nearest Indian wedding venue on a Sunday afternoon. We’d walk in with some confidence, tell the groom’s side we were with the bridal side and vice-versa, then spend the afternoon eating fine food and drinking Black Label. Still can’t do a decent Bhangra, mind.”

Oh, well batted sir. I trust you were the life and soul.

For those asking, here’s the TMS overseas link – it’s no longer secreted in the last place you look, but on the main BBC match page.

“On the topic of pub nicknames,” says Geoff Wignall, “may I offer an erstwhile drinking companion with the Reservoir Dogs-inspired moniker of Mr Brown? Because he always got wasted early.”

Lovely stuff! I must say, I was wondering if that was going somewhere a bit less luncheon-friendly.

25th over: South Africa 77-5 (Verreynne 4, Harmer 0) Leach continues and Verreynne, whose name may also be sung to Dolly Parton’s Moeen, cuts hard at a wide one and under-edges … but Foakes parries into the ground! That wasn’t easy, but you’d expect a keeper of such dexterity to grab it. So, given another life, Verreyne takes a single to point, and that is lunch. England have bowled really well, exploiting helpful consitions, though South Africa haven’t been as solid as they’d like. I’ll do some emails in a moment, then see you in 30 or so for the afternoon sesh.

24th over: South Africa 76-5 (Verreynne 2, Harmer 0) Well, we’ll solve that Jansen v Harmer batting debate sooner than we thought.

My mate from the pub returns, noting a group of blokes who would only ever order halves despite two halves costing 10p more than a pint; rationale was they wanted their beer as cold as possible from the tap when drinking it. Attention to detail, beautiful.

STILL OUT!

REVIEW!

WICKET! Van der Dussen lbw b Stokes 16 (South Africa 76-5)

23rd over: South Africa 75-4 (Van der Dussen 16, Verreynne 2) Stokes tosses Leach the ball, and Van der Dussen spanks his first delivery to midwicket for four. They’re the only runs off the over so, back to the 90s, I trust it’s not just me singing Verreynne’s name to this.

22nd over: South Africa 71-4 (Van der Dussen 11, Verreynne 2) Looking at the wicket again, we see Stokes’ hands over his face as Broad’s were when he took that amazing catch at Trent Bridge – only this time, the shock is at how poor his behaviour was. Markram, for his part, will be raging.

WICKET! Markram c Foakes b Stokes 14 (South Africa 68-4)

22nd over: South Africa 66-3 (Markram 12, Van der Dussen 11) Stokes introduces himself into the attack and Markram mistimes his loosener for two, via pull.

21st over: South Africa 66-3 (Markram 12, Van der Dussen 11) Markram takes the first ball of Broad’s latest over for three to cover point, then Van der Dussen beaten by another beauty, hanging bat away from body even though he doesn’t want to because the human brain cannot be legislated for. A no ball follows, turned to midwicket for two which makes three, and the partnership is now 25; these two don’t look comfy, but do look more so than the lads already out.

Back on the pub nicknames, a mate of mine – hard to believe, I know – grew up in a hostelry, and we sometimes order a Ron the Dustman. This was named after Ron the Dustman, a dustman named Ron who was a regular. He’d have half a cider with a splash of lemonade, along with a small glass of white wine, which he’d drink with alternate sips, while constantly combing his hair.

20th over: South Africa 60-3 (Markram 9, Van der Dussen 9) After a leg bye, Anderson offers Van der Dussen some width and he doesn’t need asking twice, making sure he gets bat and hands right through the ball, earning four past gully; two more follow to cover, as we see Stokes warming up for a little go before lunch.

“Steven Haslemere‘s email about renowned drinkers reminded me of a gentleman from my youth,” says Greg Campbell, “who was known as the Grim Reaper, such was his ability to be the first to appear at a deceased’s house to offer his condolences and accept a consoling drink.”

The Gin Reaper; the Grim Refill; I think we can do even better with this lad.

19th over: South Africa 52-3 (Markram 8, Van der Dussen 3) Broad has four slips and a short leg as he charges in, spiriting yet another off the seam and beating Markram for both movement and speed. So Markram looks to get down the track, half-batting one he intended for square leg to midwicket; they run two.

“Doesn’t it seem a little breaking-a-butterfly-upon-a-wheel to point out that Dezza Pringle wasn’t quite Test standard?” wonders Robert Wilson. “For a start, ‘Test standard’ was a very shifting proposition at that particular moment in English cricket history. And then when you consider that he is the only international cricketer to appear in an Oscar-winning film (he was in the Freshers’ Week scene in Chariots of Fire). Plus the nice curly hair. Come now, sporting performance can be quite a reductive metric, old thing.”

I’d add to that that any kid running into bowl imitated his action, ball rocking in hand and arm tucked close to the body – and though I’m a little young to remember his curly phase, as the owner of a Jewfro I respect him for it. My apologies to all concerned.

18th over: South Africa 50-3 (Markram 6, Van der Dussen 3) Five more dots from Anderson, before he strays onto the pads and Van der Dussen glances him around the corner for two.

“I love the idea of a cricket version of Speed,” says Jeff Vincent, “but surely Ben Stokes has to be played by Damian Lewis? I had to check the cast list to make sure it wasn’t actually Ben Stokes playing Henry VIII in Wolf Hall.”

I thought Tom Hardy was perfect, I must say – he’s got that ruggedness and hint of danger Lewis lacks, and seems a lot more likely to throw hands outside Mbargo.

17th over: South Africa 48-3 (Markram 6, Van der Dussen 1) I wonder if England read conditions better than South Africa, or at least knew that they were perfect for their attack; the pitch isn’t doing loads, but it’s giving line bowlers just that smidge of help they need. On top of that, batting conditions should improve, and though I understand why Elgar opted to take first knock, with his line-up and against this opposition, that was a very big gamble that, so far, has failed. Meantime, Broad is bouncing in, ceding a two and a one before beating Markram with one that dies before reaching Foakes and scuttling away for two more; two to midwicket follow, making that seven off the over.

16th over: South Africa 41-3 (Markram 2, Van der Dussen 0) Anderson replaces Robinson, who bowled really well and will, no doubt, still be cursing the no ball that cost him the wicket of Elgar. Still, he more than played his part in making it happen – in that opening spell, it was him exerting pressure more than his more august partner. Maiden.

“Only tangentially related to your 12th over request (insofar as it combines booze and spirituality,” emails Steven Haslemere, “but there was a Sikh gentleman well-known around a pub I used to attend in Cambridge. His nickname was ‘The Exorcist:’ when he went round to your house all the spirits disappeared.”

Oh that’s lovely.

15th over: South Africa 41-3 (Markram 2, Van der Dussen 0) We see Matty Potts sitting indoors and I think he might be taking notes; that’s interesting if so. He’ll know he’s got work to do, especially in bowling at lefties, and watching Robinson’s first spell, he’ll also know that unless there’s an injury, his Test-match summer is probably over. South Africa really, really need these two make lunch, and there’s an appeal when Broad clouts Van der Dussen’s thigh pad; I think there was an edge, and I’m sure it eas going down.

WICKET! Petersen c Root b Broad 21 (South Africa 41-3)

14th over: South Africa 40-2 (Petersen 21, Markram 2) Petersen presents the full face, earning three down the ground – I think those are the first runs taken to that area, which tells you how well England have bowled, because they’ve been pretty straight and fairly full, yet still haven’t been driven. Anyhow, Markram tickles two to mid on, then, Robinson responds with one that lifts off a length and nips away too; Markram does well to stay inside it.

“I recall being a guest at a barmitzvah in the mid-1970s,” says John Starbuck, “and enticed to try the whisky via the offering of loads of fruit cake, naturally needing something to wash it down with; a very obliging middle-aged lady being the temptress.”

Had you just graduated?

13th over: South Africa 35-2 (Petersen 18, Markram 0) Markram ignores the first ball he faces, and that’s over.

And that will be drinks. England have earnt one, South africa need one.

WICKET! Elgar c Bairstow b Broad 12 (South Africa 35-2)

13th over: South Africa 35-1 (Elgar 12, Petersen 18) Fingers are rocking on as Broad experiments with a new appealing technique – how do you do fellow kids – after squaring up Elgar and whacking the pad. But the ball was clearly going down – as even he has to concede, eventually. So Broad goes again, whacking the pad again and that one looks much closer … but again, the angle, from around to the lefty Elgar, means he’s missing leg stump.

12th over: South Africa 35-1 (Elgar 12, Petersen 18) The camera pans to DI Gower, who Sanga tells us, knows his plonk so well he’s on the wine committee of the Garrick Club. I love the way it’s possible to turn thirst-quenching into an intellectual pursuit – modern orthodox Jews are bang into their whisky, so growing up, I’d feign an interest in islays, speysides and such to tickle the ego of those adults who owned the bottles and considered their boozing a reflection of intellect, in order to get myself slaked. Please feel free to share your tricks! Anyhow, back in the middle, Robinson, diddles Petersen again – that’s the tenth time he’s beaten the bat this morning – and he keeps doing it in the same way, a bit of bounce, a bit of nip, and an implacable line from on high. Except his next ball is cut hard to the point fence for four, and two more follow.