Selected entries from Kate Camp’s teenage diary, annotated by her grown-up self.
The 180-odd people who pushed and squeezed their way into Bad Diaries Salon at LitCrawl Wellington every year to hear Kate Camp read snippets from her 1986 diary have been waiting impatiently for this moment. Those who were lucky enough to be in the room for these readings savoured every morsel from the mind of Camp’s 14-year-old self: hilarious, outrageous, dramatic, raw. Finally, the full glorious tome is here, and in style thanks to stunning book design by Todd Atticus.
On RNZ’s Nine To Noon earlier this week, Camp told Kathryn Ryan that over 2024 she read one page of “The Diary” a day and wrote a response to it, so she was reliving 1986 in real time. Publishing a diary in full is a fascinating and very public exercise in telling the truth, in memory and in analysing through an adult lens what was going on in a teenage girl’s mind and body. In her brilliant introduction to the book, Camp says that in 1986 she “… talked a lot, I got into trouble, I wore glasses, I had no boobs, I wasn’t attractive to boys although not totally unattractive, I always did well in school, I had an older sister who had huge boobs and boys were always falling in love with, I was outrageous and daring, I felt lonely… ”
It’s a thrilling and privileged experience to get this close to a private document – something so vulnerable and weird and beautiful – and the author’s own relationship to it over time. Below are some excerpts from February, 1986; 40 years ago in the life of Kate Camp. The original diary entries are in italics, followed by Kate’s adult response to them. / Claire Mabey
FEBRUARY 15
Cameron picked me up at 11am. We went to Suzy’s after finding out Emma couldn’t make it. Counsellor Kate strikes again. Teddys forever (& for ever – piano). Went round to Camerons to watch Young Ones. Told Cameron that incest was illegal. Drove around the bays for a couple of hours. Self-control, Kate, Self-control. Came home (with Cam) Teddy bears reclaim the gamesroom (Just my weakness bastard ©) Sometimes I want to believe Frank’n’Furter. Lou Reed a bum vibe. A little too much a little too late Cam, too much, too soon, too late, too late
xx Kate
With all its manic misdirection, I can only tip my hat to the rhetorical variety that the author manages to squeeze onto her tiny page.
I don’t know what teddys are but I think (& for ever – piano) is a reference to the Beatles song “I Will”. The Young Ones would have been on video (have we got a video???). I guess the incest is illegal is because Cameron and I are supposed to be like brother and sister. No idea what’s with the copyright symbol after bastard. Frank’n’Furter is a reference to The Rocky Horror Picture Show – I would have been thinking of “give yourself over to absolute pleasure”. And I stand by my comment on Lou Reed.
The narrative here seems to be I spent the day with Cameron after Emma wasn’t available, and in all those private spaces – in the car, watching TV at his place, being in the games room at my place, we would have been doing some kind of sexual activity – kissing? Snogging? Feeling up? No idea but I do remember that horniness, that total focus on getting sexual. I’d be so wet it would cling to my pants like stalactites when I went to the toilet.
At the time, we didn’t have a framework for thinking of sexual desire as a thing that we had ourselves, as teenage girls. Sexual contact was something boys wanted and girls resisted and then gave in to. But then I say to myself Self- control, Kate, Self-control, so I guess I am acknowledging it. Hmm.
I remember sitting on the bank above the netball courts at Raroa Intermediate with a group – quite a large group – of girlfriends. We were telling a sexy story, like one from a Penthouse Forum, out loud to each other, making it up in turns, and at one point we did this by saying just one word each to create a phrase, because it was so taboo I guess, and that phrase was stuck – their – fingers – up – our – bums.
Did we know about that from reading porn? We’d been sneaking people’s fathers’ and brothers’ Penthouses and Playboys since primary school. Is it something that we hadn’t read about but had sensed would be pleasurable? Or had done and found pleasurable? And there’s also a vague memory-cloud passing by, of the story being about multiple females and multiple males, and the girls being the passive “victims” of this sexual act, even though, of course, it is the girls as the authors of the story who are making it happen.
Woah. Female sexuality in a patriarchy is a real fucked-up house of mirrors.
Having said that, it’s actually been one of the nice surprises of rereading The Diary, to realise how horny I was! Over the years I have considered so many different negative aspects of the dynamic with Cameron but somehow overlooked that I’d had a simple drive for physical pleasure.
FEBRUARY 21
Sat around home all morning. Linda & Lucie came round & left in about half an hour. Cameron & Emma came round after
lunch. Cameron was being a bit scummy to Emma. He took her home then came back here for dinner. Had dinner & went downstairs. Cameron persisting me disciplining myself. Peter, Linda & Lucie came round. Saw them went back down (Frank-n-Furter – g.y.o.t.a.p.s.t.w.w.o.s.o.t.f & we did) ex wife good in bed 2/3 months & getting married, Immature & the lover. P.Collins – E.L. Cam you have no morals and you just stole all mine
xx Kate
The triangle nature of this is so fucked up – he’s dropped Emma off then came back to get it on with me in the games room. The initials are a reference to the song “Don’t Dream It, Be It” from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, apropos of giving yourself over to absolute pleasure and the sins of the flesh. Squeeze in a reference to Phil Collins E.L. (“Easy Lover”) and the rather good line, Cam you have no morals and you just stole all mine.
The most amazing part of this entry to me is that Cameron is round for dinner! He was a regular visitor, part of the family scene, sitting at the dinner table and saying things like, It’s a well-known fact that you shouldn’t eat meat from supermarkets because it’s packed by Islanders. That signature phrase of his, It’s a well-known fact, would preface some outrageous, vile opinion. It was something Mum and Dad mocked him for, Cameron’s well-known fact, teasing me about him in his absence, as if it was a harmless foible.
But I don’t ever recall having a serious conversation with them about what I was doing with someone like that, someone who was racist and sexist, who said things all the time that were so contrary to our world view. Did they know anything about Cameron’s background, his parents, how old he was? Did they know anything other than that he would make the thirty-minute drive from Miramar to Khandallah, to spend hours unaccompanied with their teenage daughter?
It is one of the unresolvable marvels of The Diary, what my parents were thinking.
FEBRUARY 23
Went with Cameron. Yes, I know, but he made the first move (& the second) I reminded him of our past relationship & its bitter ending. He smiled. I reminded him of Emma. He laughed. A short, bitter, sad laugh. He says I matter more. I see the truth in his eyes. He says he loves me. I hear the lies in his voice. He touches, holds & kisses me – I feel the warmth in his touch. The animal heat of a body not in tune with a heart. I hate Cameron & I love him.
xx Kate
Stone. Cold. Classic. I’m amazed that I’m writing these entries with no drafts, within the constraints of the page length, and delivering some incredible breathless belters like this one. In the pantheon of bad teenage writing, this surely rates among the greats.
FEBRUARY 24
Cameron had dinner at Emmas. It went badly from what I gather. I cannot bear to see Emma anymore with the knowledge of the hurt she will one day suffer. With knowledge of her love her trust her belief in Cameron and I as j.g.f. We are but not just.
xx Kate
Oh yeah, just awful thinking about how hurt Emma will be when she discovers Cameron and I are not j.g.f. – just good friends.
FEBRUARY 28
Emma you shattered my dreams. The fantasy of martyrdom is gone. Why, Emma, did you tell the truth when you have lied so much for lesser things. For Cameron you lie. For me you tell the hurtful truth. My father loves you no more.
My mother never did. I cannot believe truth over friendship. Loyalty has always been so much more important to me. I saved you on Jan 10. You dobbed me in after I saved you from so much (Remember N.K & phone?)
xx Kaz
I wish I knew what this was about! I love the melodramatic inversion of My father loves you no more. My mother never did, but then the reversion to the schoolyard diction of dobbed me in.
I mean, come on Emma, Loyalty has always been so much more important to me. That’ll be why I’m constantly getting it on with your boyfriend.
Leather & Chains: My 1986 Diary by Kate Camp ($40, Te Herenga Waka University Press) is available to purchase from Unity Books.
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