Key Points
- Tattoo artist Sai Antonio says she has found healing in pointillism art after being sexually abused as a child by a man known to her family.
- After recovering her memory of the abuse, she was diagnosed with complex PTSD and a disassociative disorder as an adult.
- Antonio specialises in pointillism art and hand-poked tattoos.
Antonio said she couldn’t imagine a life without putting felt pens to paper or ink to skin. Not only has art become an outlet for self-expression, she said it had been indispensable in helping her reclaim her sense of self.
Dots making a whole
Antonio, who moved with her parents and sisters to Australia in 2006, was still living in the Philippines then.
A young Sai Antonio (left) with her twin sister, Zai (right). Credit: Sai Antonio
She said that every time the abuse would happen, she would block it from her mind.
I think it was my mind’s way of coping. It was like nothing was happening. I disassociated.
Sai Antonio, tattoo artist
“Sadly, what happened to Sai wasn’t a one-off event. It was also a horrific betrayal by someone who should have been taking care of her.”
The developing brain can sense danger. There are automatic responses as the child develops and grows. For her, one of the ways she coped was to set aside that memory. This does happen.
Donn Tantengco, registered psychologist
“Unknowingly, I think art became my therapy. I expressed my feelings that way. I drew a lot when I was a child. Most of my drawings were abstract,” she said.
One of Sai Antonio’s earlier works Credit: Sai Antonio
“I had an easier time starting my drawings with dots, so I got attracted to pointillism, an art technique that uses dots to create an image.”
Much like dots create an image in pointillism, Antonio said her need for art began making sense when bits of her forgotten past rose to the surface when she was 28.
Discovery after disassociation
“I confirmed with my twin sister Zai that it was all real. She found out about the abuse, but she saw that I was disassociating,” she said.
She has always been my protector, so she didn’t want to bring it up with me. She thought I was better off not remembering.
Sai Antonio, tattoo artist
Zai (left) and Sai (right) Antonio say they are each other’s protectors. Credit: Sai Antonio
According to Tantengco: “Not remembering was an advantage because it protected her; however, in my experience, it’s very rare for abuse survivors to just go through life ‘normally’.”
Tantengco explained: “With disassociative amnesia, you can remember your life except for that particular traumatic time. You can remember where you lived, where you studied … but you won’t remember the trauma.”
DID is almost like an out-of-body experience — like the trauma isn’t happening to you. It’s like a third-person perspective. It’s like you have a drone above you and you’re in that drone looking at yourself.
Donn Tantengco, registered psychologist
“I drew a lot when I was a child; but moving to Australia, settling in, working, getting married … I kind of forgot about art while I was ‘doing life’; but rediscovering why I turned to art in the first place made me want to go back to it again.”
Sai Antonio and family Credit: Sai Antonio
Hand-poked tattoos
“My twin, who works as a photographer in Adelaide, told me about a client she had who was doing hand-poked tattoos. I researched about it and became interested in getting one.”
A hand-poked tattoo of Sai Antonio’s portrait on her husband’s arm. Credit: Sai Antonio
After doing her research, she said she found a hand-poked tattoo artist in Melbourne.
“I got one and looked at how the tattoo was done. I felt like I could do it. It felt very similar to the art I do,” she said.
I also liked that the technique was similar to the traditional tattoos done by Apo Whang-Od — only the materials were different.
Sai Antonio, tattoo artist
“Hand-poked tattoos take longer to do, but they look more natural compared to machine tattoos which look like stickers on the skin. There’s a graininess and daintiness to them that I like,” Antonio shared.
The technique is also a lot more gentle on the skin, healing is a lot quicker and the process is more intimate.
Sai Antonio, tattoo artist
A gentle tap
“There are two meanings to ‘mayumi’. In Filipino, ‘mayumi’ means ‘gentle’; and the other meaning is ‘Mayumi’ as a name — which we picked for our first baby … for the child I miscarried. So that word means a lot,” she said.
“As children, we’re all drawn to art, to colours, to music … we lose that sometimes. My art is a reminder that I’m still that child. I’m still dreaming. I’m still healing and wanting to do more things.”
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