Madeleine Chapman rounds out Death Week on The Spinoff with a final recommendation.
You can read all of our Death Week coverage here.
Nothing forces you to reflect on your life and relationships quite like proximity to death. For those whose nearest and dearest have died, there are reasonably obvious steps – both logistically and emotionally – that one would expect to take in the days and weeks following. The next circle out (extended family, close friends) offer support and admin assistance where possible.
But for those even further out, it can be hard to know where it would be appropriate to say something or do something or even be present. What’s the etiquette if your friend’s mum passes away but you haven’t spoken to that friend in a while and never met their mum? Should you go to the funeral or would that be impolite since you lost touch? What about if a colleague from three decades ago dies and you read about it online? Would it be weird to suddenly show up when you had no idea what they’ve been up to for the past 20 years?
The answer to these and all questions is: go to the funeral if you can.
Unless the deceased or the deceased’s family actively dislikes you and you would ruin their day by being there, just go to the funeral. Or visit the family if there is a tangi or viewings before the service. It can feel weird or intrusive (naturally) to just show up, but funerals are not birthday parties. You don’t get invited and there’s no limit to how many people are allowed in.
Think about it from the other side. Imagine your loved one dies and at their funeral you see all these beautiful faces of people who knew them – people you had no idea existed but whose lives were touched in some way by your loved one. You wouldn’t be expected to talk to all of them but the option is there and you might learn something new about a life you cherished dearly. Or maybe you are experiencing one of the saddest days of your life and you look over to see some old familiar faces you haven’t seen in a long time, and they bring you comfort.
This is why you go to the funeral. There’s no test to pass to show that you should be there. And I’m certainly not advocating for showing up at strangers’ funerals. But if you’re ever feeling sympathy for someone and wondering whether or not you should go to the funeral – just go. It’s a few hours out of your day and while it might feel a bit weird or awkward to you – it’ll be the last thing on the grieving family’s mind. They’ll simply be comforted by your presence.
This week’s episode of Behind the Story
Deputy editor Alice Neville joins me on the show this week as it was big week of news on The Spinoff, with the release of the final report from the Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care. It was breaking news but also something we knew was coming, which is a very particular type of challenge for a small team without any dedicated news reporters. Plus, Alice makes a case for the crucial work that the invisible sub editors do every day.
So what have readers spent the most time reading this week?
Comments of the week
“Damn you, Spinoff! I live in a provincial city where it is hard (not impossible) to find any decent eateries that do anything other than elevated pub grub. About six months ago you ran a story about the best Roti Canai in Wellington. It turned me into a mad scientist, I had to crack the perfect Malaysian chicken curry and roti in my kitchen due to not being able to find any where I live. It took months. My family begged me to stop. But I did it. Now I guess it’s back to the lab. I can already see the looks of horror on my wife and kids’ faces when I stumble through the door with an assortment of baguettes under my arm, a bag full of every different kind of pate I can find and a crazed look in my eyes. Poor bastards.” – Steve Steveson
“Personally, I wish someone could just wrap me up in a canvas shroud. Then tie some big rocks together with sisal rope, attach them to the shroud and throw me over the side of a sailing boat in 100 fathoms (200 m). No pollution, no water, no electricity, no expensive machinery and recycling my body back to Nature.” – Annie
Pick up where this leaves off
Sign up for Madeleine’s weekly Saturday newsletter (authored by me this week), where we add more handpicked recommended reading and essentially bundle everything up to land in your inbox at 9 a.m.
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