I’ll never forget the day I asked my mother, “Do you know what Dad has planned for you when he dies?” He was seriously ill. She was having a hard time.
“Of course I do,” she replied. But when I pressed her for details, she couldn’t deliver.
But she made it abundantly clear: This was not a conversation she wanted to have. I made it even clearer: Avoidance was not an option. Here’s what we did:
1. We had “The Talk”
I made my Mom sit down with my Dad and we looked at all the financial documents: bank statements, investments, estate planning, etc. This was not, by any means, an easy conversation. Nerves were frayed. My Mom glazed over. My Dad lost patience. I kept scratching my wrist (a nervous habit) until it bled. But by the end, my Mom knew where every penny was and what arrangements he had (and hadn’t) made.
2. We assembled “The Team”
My Dad was very much a do-it-yourselfer. Mom needed support. First on our list was to hire an estate lawyer and together with him, my sister and I and my parents, created a very good, tax efficient estate plan. Next, we helped her find an investment advisor and a CPA. Don’t hesitate to interview more than one investment advisor and CPA to find a good fit. My mom met with her team on a regular basis, until she passed 20 years later.
3. We updated documents
We made sure the Will, Power of Attorney, EVERYTHING reflected their latest info and current wishes.
4. We envisioned a future without Dad
My mom started thinking about living single: how much money she’d need to live on (a lot); how she wanted her money invested (very conservatively); and who would assist her with this (her team).
5. We had regular family meetings
These meetings, though often emotional, helped get everyone on the same page while Dad was still alive. These gatherings included my sisters, spouses, all the grandchildren and we eventually had great grandkids crawling around too. My Dad let everyone know his wishes, especially for philanthropy and keeping the family together. These meetings definitely drew us closer.
6. Mom talked to friends
She had several friends who’d lost their husbands, so she talked to them at length. They gave her great advice which really helped her see life goes on, happiness was possible.
Preparing For The Passing
Now, what can you do to be ready for this painful but sometimes inevitable moment? Preparing emotionally for the passing of a spouse is one of the hardest journeys a person can face. It begins with acknowledging your feelings—grief, fear, anger, even moments of peace—and allowing them to coexist without judgment. Understand that these emotions are natural; they are the heart’s way of processing deep love and impending loss. Spend meaningful time together, talking about memories, shared dreams, and unfinished conversations. These moments can bring comfort later, offering a sense of closure and continued connection.
It’s also vital to build a support system before the loss occurs. Reach out to close friends, family, or a counselor who can listen without trying to “fix” your pain. Accept help when offered—it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. Create space for your own self-care, too. Gentle walks, quiet reflection, journaling, or prayer can anchor you when emotions feel overwhelming.
Lastly, remind yourself that preparing emotionally doesn’t mean you love your spouse any less—it means you are honoring both your life together and the life you must continue afterward. Grief will come in waves, but love remains the steady tide beneath it. With compassion and patience, you can move through loss with grace and strength.
Having done these things, by the time my father died, all my mother had to do was grieve. Every detail was in order. There were no surprises. All papers signed. All major decisions made. Her team was in place. Practically speaking, his passing was seamless. Emotionally, it was tough. But being prepared, made it a little easier.
Depending on your stage in life you may or may not have done these things. We should all consider what happens when our spouse dies, though, because unexpected things do happen.
Editors Note: if you’re reading this because you have a family member who may be passing, here are a few things you can do in addition to following Barbara’s example:
Work with them to be sure all their documents are updated. In addition to the ones Barbara mentions, here is a good short list:
- Will / Trust
- Durable Power of Attorney (if you need it)
- Healthcare Power of Attorney / Advance Directive
- List of all accounts, passwords, and beneficiary designations
- Life insurance policies and contact numbers
- Location of important papers (safe, attorney, digital folder)
In addition to having a good estate lawyer and CPA, you might consider adding a couple of other people to your “team”.
- One trusted family member or friend who knows where everything is
- At least one peer who has already lost a spouse and understands the process.
What kind of plans do you have in place for the unexpected or inevitable changes that happen in life?
Discussion about this post