Blindfolded Riggy G needs lots of luck to free himself from his traps

He wasn’t bluffing when he said he had laid traps all over State House. The son of Mau Mau only forgot to mention that he did so blindfolded.

Only that would explain how quickly Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua, more famous as Riggy G, got himself ensnared in the traps he had set for non-shareholders of Kenya Kwanza Inc.

Word on the street has it that the former District Officer has lost his job as the custodian of the list bearing the government’s shareholders and the equally critical role as President William Ruto’s watchman, guarding against an invasion by Raila Odinga.

Roll call

They have a new guy marking the roll call and he or she believes Tinga deserves the Kenya Kwanza cake more than Riggy G. But the DP probably has no complaints about missing out on cake. Riggy G has always been a “mchele-nyama” person. Mahindi boilo if the president is buying.

Gachagua’s replacement has pampered Baba with his heart’s desires, providing a lectern –  branded “Republic of Kenya” – and flags to flank him whenever he goes out in public.

And as Riggy G struggles to access a chopper to fly him around, rumour has it that a jet could be on the way for Tinga to facilitate his movements as he seeks to lead the African Union Commission. Evidently, a tractor isn’t built for that job.

In many ways, Riggy G has failed in the job he claimed as soon as he ascended to the deputy presidency, shepherding Raila to Bondo. The failure shows on his face.

He used to smile a lot, especially when gloating about Kenya Kwanza’s victory in the 2022 presidential election. His voice was always emphatic. Riggy G’s feet itched for regions occupied by “shareholders”. Not so much in recent days.

He now wears a long face. A smile hardly sticks. His voice is subdued. He no longer barks at watu ya magazeti for something they wrote, which according to him, had painted him as “uncouth”. Riggy G prefers the indoors and has abandoned his hobby of flooding social media with the latest memes, sorry, his latest photos.

A keyboard warrior, known for scouting persons “doing the Lord’s work”, says the DP no longer listens to his favourite Mau Mau tune, Mwene Nyaga Twakuhoya. Riggy G was, allegedly, overheard humming to Pastor James Ng’ang’a’s Wanapanga Kunimaliza Baba.

“I see darkness. I see someone plotting against us,” Riggy G recently prophesied. Only that it wasn’t an actual prophecy. His vision, or lack of, was sponsored by his blindfold. Riggy G made the remarks days after declaring lockdowns targeting politicians who love travelling as much as he did when his relationship with Hustler, lately christened Zakayo, was in its honeymoon phase.

Indeed, it seems as though some people have been conspiring against the DP recently. Some young politicians from Mt Kenya and Rift Valley, who have Hustler’s ear and want Riggy G replaced as DP, have made him their punching bag. They accuse the second in command, at least on paper, of being a tribalist. 

Perhaps Hustler agrees. He has clapped back against his deputy, warning him against declaring his village out of bounds for other politicians. It is doubtful that the president would worry about such a declaration, given Riggy G’s spectacular failure in enforcing embargos.

“I urge bishops to pray for the tongues foreseeing darkness and misfortune,” Hustler responded, urging MPs to tanga tanga to fulfil their constitutional mandates.

Things weren’t always frosty between Hustler and Riggy G. The teetotallers were drawn to each other from the moment they met, perhaps because of everything they had in common.

Besides their prayerful wives, the pair also shared their experience as self-declared victims of the weaponisation of the criminal justice system. They were both loaded and had a loathing for former President Uhuru Kenyatta to boot.

To Riggy G, Hustler was the best thing to happen since oversized suits. Ruto saw in his deputy something he missed in everyone interested in being his running mate. That Riggy G was a first-time MP was no deal-breaker. 

And they vowed their union would last. Prayers and blessings from elders, expressed through spitting on their heads, would keep them together. 

But unlike Uhuru and Hustler, who split after five years of matching-clothes chemistry, Riggy G and his boss didn’t need two years to realise they were probably meant for other people.

A silver fox on social media counsels that Riggy G should have seen the red flags.

Big blunder

“It is like someone coming to your house and telling you to burn it down because it is leaking and you burn it in the hope of getting a ten-bedroom house,” the unidentified man says in a viral clip, referencing the frail Jubilee as the house that Riggy G helped burn.

Their spat has everything to do with ambition. Of course. Riggy G desperately wants to lead Mt Kenya and has recently implored Uhuru to help him in his quest. Hustler wants no fixer to facilitate his movements in the region. 

But the DP should probably take heart knowing that he has allies who would go all the way for him.

“Kama mbaya, mbaya!” Nyeri Governor Mutahi Kahiga, declared recently.

Before he became DP, Riggy G was a DO in the late former President Daniel Moi’s administration. He also served as Uhuru’s personal assistant and later became Mathira MP, where he established a reputation for ruthlessness. He will need that and lots of luck if he is to free himself from his traps.