Patrick Cripps entered the MRP Lotto Gameshow and walked away without the car. He won’t win the Brownlow either.
And with his two-week suspensions upheld, his Blues are a very real chance of not making the top 8, having to beat one of Melbourne or Collingwood in their final two rounds.
There were no winners from last night’s show. Not even Tim Kelly could get his one-week suspension overturned for his sling tackle of Sam Berry, even though Trent Cotchin, who was watching from home free to play and train without the burden of being labelled of woeful thug, performed the exact same tackle on Ollie Wines.
Kelly slung Sam Berry, who received no concussion. Cotchin slung Wines, who received no concussion.
Yet here we are. One player will miss a week, the other will earn full match payments.
You’d remember Willie Rioli being shot out of a cannon to collect Matt Rowell, hip to head, in the opening round of the season?
Patrick Cripps. (Photo by Daniel Pockett/Getty Images)
Tribunal Chair, Jeff Gleeson, had this to say as he overturned the one-week suspension for rough conduct graded out at careless conduct, medium impact and high contact.
“Rioli had eyes for the ball as he entered the contest (and) there is no doubt he braced for contact a split second before contact.
“But when doing so he did not cease to contest the ball. The way in which he did so was not unreasonable.”
That vs Patrick Cripps – two weeks upheld for rough conduct graded out at careless, high impact and high contact. The concussion to Callum Ah Chee, the reason for the impact upgrade.
“We find this act by Cripps falls within the phrase ‘in the bumping of an opponent’ … a player can simultaneously contest the ball and bump … Cripps turned his body into a classic bumping position when seeking to take possession … Cripps could and should have contested the ball differently and in a way that did not present such a high and serious risk of a head injury to his fellow players,” he said.
“He could’ve taken the ball with his arms outstretched, which would’ve meant there was no act of bumping at all … Cripps changed his shape prior to impact from simply attempting to gather the ball to a bumping position in which he was airborne, that would very likely cause high contact to an opponent.”
What I’ve learnt from this jumbled mess is that Jeff Gleeson has never attended a football training session in his life.
“Protect the ball with your body,” said every coach who has held a clipboard.
Suggesting Cripps enter that contest with his arms outstretched would have exposed his ribs and major organs to the contact.
It is horrible that Ah Chee ended up with a concussion. But the sad reality is that incidental contact to the head is part of the game. This is not Tom Stewart running past the ball and sending Dion Prestia’s brain into another stratosphere. We all agree that won’t be tolerated. Don’t we?
But all the above? The inconsistencies. The misuse of precedents?
It is one enormous laugh.
MRP LOTTO, the Gameshow!!
Game Show Host King, Eddie McGuire: “Welcome to the MRP lottery, where we will decide the fate of naughty AFL players with a lottery-style process that replaces common sense with straight luck, by way of the lottery, and not the kind your Pappy used to indulge in the hope of leaving you with your mum for the lure of the sand and rum of the Bahamas.
“Our first contestant is Patrick Cripps, who hails from Carlton and enjoys fighting in Lygon street with all the other footballers. Welcome Patrick, and what are you hoping for tonight?”
Cripps: “Thanks for having me. I’m just hoping the balls fall my way tonight. My play on the footy saw the unfortunate concussion of Callum Ah Chee. It is unfortunate, but I’m built like Hulk Hogan, this is an inevitability of the game. My eyes never left the ball, and the lawyer says if Willie can get off, then I’m cherry ripe.”
Cripps: “Yeah, nah.”
Eddie: “Which one, yes or no?”
Cripps: “What?”
*Cue dramatic music and long shot of Eddie and a now confused-looking Cripps as the balls are drawn. *
Eddie: ”The first ball is careless conduct.”
Cripps: “YES!!”
Eddie: “Bad news, Patrick, the second ball is high impact and high contact.”
Cripps: sighs, inaudible mumbling, and fist clenching
Eddie:” I am sorry, Patrick, but it’s just the luck of the lottery. The balls just aren’t in your favour here. Now please, put your shirt back on and put down the chair so we can draw your punishment.”
Cripps: “Sorry, Eddie. Your head doesn’t even wobble that much, but I guarantee you this, if you draw a suspension from that cage, I will ensure that your head doesn’t stop wobbling – understood?”
A now flustered and visibly distressed Eddie: “The last ball to be drawn from the cage is……… A two-week suspension.”
Cripps: “WHAT!!?? Willie Rioli shot himself out of a cannon and smashed Matt Rowell’s concrete head with his hip. And he got one week, and then got off. I’m appealing this. Surely Jeff Gleeson’s football smarts will save me. Won’t they!!??”
As Patrick chases Eddie with a steel chair around Studio 15, the show ends, and it’s now time for the news.
Newsreader:” We start tonight with breaking news. Carlton midfielder, Patrick Cripps, has just been arrested for assaulting Eddie McGuire with a steel chair. Let’s cross now to Sam McClure who is live from Studio 15 where he will use the lottery balls to guide the Police in deciding the fate of Patrick Cripps. But first, an ad …
*Cue gambling ad, voice over by Sam McClure.
It’s messy and nonsensical, but by golly is it entertaining.
Discussion about this post