Don Farrell, Labor’s dealmaker, ready to give Trump everything

Hi there, I’m Don Farrell, your trade minister and point man in our ongoing efforts to avoid the Trump administration levying tariffs on Australian exports.

Now, there’s been some wholly unjustified criticism that Australia ended up, like every other country, wearing tariffs on aluminium and steel exports to the United States. The Albanese Labor government regards these tariffs as a wholly unjustified attack on the Australian Workers Union and the Australian Manufacturing Workers Union Australia’s globally competitive metal manufacturers and we’re continuing to work hard to obtain an exemption.

How will we achieve that? Everyone knows Donald Trump is all about doing deals. He’s the consummate dealmaker. Well, luckily I’m a consummate dealmaker too. I’ve been doing them for years in ALP back-offices and smoke-filled rooms at party conferences. Whether it’s knocking off a prime minister or pushing a high-profile factional opponent down a Senate ticket, I’m your man when it comes to getting results.

And I can guarantee we won’t get results by chucking a hissy fit and getting stroppy at the Yanks. They are our friends and reliable security partners. We’re so close to the Americans they’re almost part of our government. Indeed, I’ve been confiding in the American government since before I even became a senator. So don’t be fooled by the Greens Political Party into some sort of anti-Americanism.

So how will I negotiate a deal with Trump? By making him an offer he can’t refuse. Ha ha, I don’t mean I’m going to threaten his preselection or push him down the Senate ticket! No, here’s my secret technique for a successful deal: offering the bloody lot to America!

That’s right. Some people may argue you shouldn’t cave in to bullies, that it will only get you more bullying. Others say Trump is transactional, and Australia should punish America economically in retaliation, making it clear that the retaliation will cease if the tariffs are removed. But I reckon pre-emptively offering Trump whatever he wants is the way to secure a deal.

Take defence spending. In February my dear colleague on the right and fellow confidante of the Americans Richard Marles went to Washington to hand them a US$500 million cheque to help them build more submarines for America. Some naysayers have said that, knowing tariffs were coming, we should have told the Americans we were going to hold off on the payment until things were clearer about Australia’s exemption from tariffs. But I said not a bit of it — give ’em the cheque! They’ll be so grateful they’ll happily agree to consider an exemption. And it worked!

Ditto today, we announced we were going to pay Lockheed to make some US-designed missiles for us — as part of a plan for greater defence cooperation with our dear security partners. Again, some negative nellies might say that we could have waited and used it as leverage about the tariffs. Rubbish, I say — handing them even more money will just remind the Americans who we are and how we’ll always be queueing up to buy their gear, a factor that surely will play into their thinking about how to treat us.

But the big prize is offering the Americans access to our critical minerals. We’ve got megatonnes of the things, just lying around in the ground waiting to be dug up and processed. Trump wants critical minerals! That’s why he wants to invade Greenland, and Canada, and turn Ukraine into the world’s largest US mining company. But what if he didn’t have to do any of those things — what if we just handed our minerals over to him instead? No need for invasions, or problems with those pesky Canadians, or that recalcitrant Zelenskyy character (not that we don’t Stand With Ukraine — we Stand With Ukraine, even if we’re not going to offer a running commentary).

Just come to Australia and dig ’em up! Lithium! Nickel! Manganese! Rare earths! Out they go! Sale sale sale! We’re giving them away! It’s the deal of a lifetime! Offer ends soon! Our operators are standing by for your call! Terms and conditions apply.*

Of course there’ll be some whingers complaining that all this is being done behind closed doors. Just like those bloody teals complained that my deal to pay major political parties more funding was nutted out with Dutts behind closed doors to freeze them out (let me repeat, as the ultimate dealmaker, that’s the fucking point.)

But as I always say, what’s the point of a door if you don’t close it? Defeats its own purpose! And you’ll all get to know how good a deal I’ve done when we’ve finalised it and signed off on it, so what’s the hurry? Is Don, Is Good.

*Actually, no, no terms and conditions apply.

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