Empty nesters are everywhere – talking on podcasts, writing in newspapers, sobbing on Instagram about how their offspring’s departure has left them bereft. But what about those of us whose nests are full to bursting?
Mine is currently occupied by my 19-year-old son (6ft 4) and my daughter (physically smaller, but with infinitely more stuff). Then there’s my anxiously attached Cavapoochon dog, and a mother who technically lives next door, but in reality is always shuffling in and out.
There’s so much advice for empty nesters – find a new hobby! Reconnect with your partner! Get a dog! Turn your bedroom into a hobby spaces (sorry, are we in the 1950s?), but what about those of us experiencing the opposite? Ie. A very full house in midlife.
Boomerang generation
Research says more young adults are living at home than ever before, fuelled by rising rents and house prices, and new research by NatWest found nearly a quarter of parents with adult children who moved away have had them “boomerang” back to the family home at some point. More than a fifth (21 per cent) of those who do so are over 30.
My son is currently not keen on university and quite rationally says that living in our spacious, clean, calm home is so much more appealing than the cramped flat share he could afford. (Truth is, he’s my blood, so has a fondness for natural light and appreciates a seeded sourdough).
My daughter will go to college but plans to return “a lot”. Dog and granny are in it for the long haul.
Sometimes, as a single parent, I feel the weight of responsibility for keeping the show on the road. And even though my kids are on the cusp of adulthood, I am still washing their pants, making most dinners, keeping the bills paid, the garden presentable and the Netflix on. I am everyone’s PA, including the dog’s (her dentistry next week is running to £500).
© InstagramThe truth is, I long for someone else to replace the loo roll. Scratch that, I long for them to earn the money for the loo roll, order it from the supermarket, accept the delivery and put it away.
I was worried that when my son stayed at home whilst a large contingent of his friends went away to university that it would make for domestic conflict. Him resenting me for nagging about loading and unloading the dishwasher. Me resenting the fact I had to ask.
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And the truth is, there was some of that. But then I had a word with myself. I think he’s sensible for not going to college (and getting 60K in debt) when he doesn’t want to.
We (okay, I) made some house rules and the kids, sorry, young adults, are mostly sticking to them.
A mindset switch
I also purposefully switched my mindset from victim to gratitude. How lucky am I to have lovely offspring (and mum and dog) that I truly adore hanging out with? And do you know what? That mental flip worked.
Yesterday, I came home after a night away and the kitchen island was clear, the dishwasher had been stacked, there were no lights on, and the house didn’t look like it had been burgled. I could have cried with gratitude.
It’s important to celebrate the wins.
That said, it’s a firm no, dear daughter, to the emotional support guinea pig. I won’t be adding to the list of dependents anytime soon.
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