Butterflies Are For Beginners

A Valentine’s Celebration of Real Love

You’re sitting across from your partner at dinner. Maybe the restaurant is loud. Maybe they’re telling a story you’ve heard before. And somewhere in the back of your mind, you’re wondering: shouldn’t this feel more… exciting?

Here’s the truth nobody tells you about Valentine’s Day: the “magic” you’re chasing—that breathless, heart-racing feeling—isn’t actually love.

It’s the first phase. And it’s supposed to fade.

We call it “falling in love” because it feels like an accident. Like something that happens to you. Your heart races. Your palms sweat. You can’t stop thinking about them.

Dr. John  Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman call this first phase of love “limerence”—a heady mix of hormones and hope. It’s exciting. It’s intoxicating. But it’s just the beginning.

The deeper phases of love—building trust, building commitment—don’t happen to you. You build them together.

This Valentine’s Day, instead of chasing the high of those early days, let’s celebrate something deeper: the love you choose with your eyes wide open.

Lasting Love Puts On Glasses

You’ve heard that “love is blind.” It’s one of those phrases we repeat without thinking.

But it’s wrong.

Limerence is blind. Limerence projects a fantasy onto the other person—who you want them to be, not who they are.

The love that lasts is the opposite. It sees clearly.

Lasting love puts on its glasses. It looks at the person across the table and sees them whole—their quirks, their history, the way they get quiet when they’re hurt, the thing they’re secretly proud of but never talk about.

And it says: I see you. I hear you. I know your whole story. And I choose you.

This is what the Gottmans call building your “Love Maps”—learning the landscape of your partner’s inner world. Their worries. Their dreams. The small things that made them who they are and who they are becoming.

When you know someone that deeply, you’re not loving a fantasy. You’re loving a person.

Tonight, don’t just look at your partner. Ask a question you’ve never asked. Listen like you’re meeting them for the first time.

If you want to start building deeper Love Maps together, use the Love Map & Open‑Ended Card Decks tonight. They give you 52+ research‑based questions to uncover your partner’s inner world in a fun, gentle way.

The Shift That Changes Everything: “Nostalgia in Advance”

We live busy lives. Work, phones, stress—they pull us apart. We go through the motions. We stop noticing each other.

We take our partners for granted. Not because we’re bad people, but because we’re human. The everyday becomes invisible.

Here’s a mental shift that can change everything. I call it “Nostalgia in Advance.”

Try it right now.

Look at your partner. Maybe they’re tired. Maybe the kitchen is messy. Maybe they’re scrolling their phone or half-watching TV.

Now fast-forward ten years in your mind. Imagine you’re looking back at this exact moment as a memory.

In ten years, you would give anything to be here again.

You would miss that specific laugh. You would miss the way they hum while making coffee. You would miss the warmth of them next to you on the couch—even on the boring nights. Especially on the boring nights.

Our time together isn’t permanent. It’s borrowed. It’s a loan.

When you practice “nostalgia in advance,” something shifts. The ordinary becomes precious. The boredom disappears. You stop waiting for life to feel special and realize: this is it. This is the good stuff. I’m living it right now.

You’re not just getting through dinner. You’re savoring the good old days while you’re still in them.

Love Out Loud: Write the Letter

Here’s a mistake many couples make: they feel love, but they don’t say it.

Not really. Not specifically.

We assume our partner knows. We think, “They should be able to tell how I feel.”

But unspoken feelings fade. They get lost in the noise of daily life. We need words to save them—to make them real and lasting.

This Valentine’s Day, write a love letter.

Not a text. Not a generic card with someone else’s words. A real letter, in your own handwriting, that says exactly what you see when you look at them.

Be specific. Think about what you witnessed this week—moments where you admired them, appreciated them, felt lucky to be with them.

Not just “I love you.” Try:

“When I was spiraling about work on Tuesday, you didn’t try to fix it. You just sat with me. That meant everything.”

“I watched you with the kids this morning, and I thought: I’m so lucky I get to build a life with this person.”

“You make our home feel safe. I don’t tell you that enough.”

When you put it in writing, you turn a feeling into something solid. Something they can hold onto and read again when they need it most. Something that says: I see you. I notice you. You matter to me.

That’s not just romance. That’s the foundation of a relationship that lasts.

Loving Out Loud is a self‑paced Gottman Relationship Coach program that walks you step‑by‑step through expressing appreciation, affection, and support out loud.

The Real Magic

Don’t wish for the butterflies. The butterflies are for beginners.

This Valentine’s Day, celebrate the fact that you’ve stopped falling and started building. Look at your partner with that “nostalgia in advance.” See them clearly. Hear them deeply. And choose them all over again.

That’s not settling. That’s not “losing the spark.”

That’s love with your eyes wide open.

And that’s a Valentine’s Day worth celebrating.

If you’re wondering where your relationship really stands – and what to do next – don’t guess. The Gottman Relationship Adviser starts with a research‑based assessment and gives you a personalized action plan for communication, conflict, trust, and intimacy.