Couples ask each other countless questions over the course of a day, a year, an entire relationship. Many are trivial: Chinese or Thai for dinner? Need anything from the store? Few probe how each person is actually feeling.
Yet taking the time to ask thoughtful, intentional questions can deepen connection. Laura Todd, a therapist in Silicon Valley, thinks of relationships as vines that either grow together or apart; the goal is for them to intertwine so they become stronger and fuller. “Just because you’ve been together for a long time doesn’t mean that the vines always grow together,” she says. “You have to be mindful of making sure they don’t start growing apart, and part of that is asking really deep questions or having really meaningful conversations that continue to strengthen that relationship.”
We asked experts which single question they recommend starting with.
A deceptively simple check-in
The No. 1 question Todd recommends couples ask each other is a simple way to take the temperature of where they stand: “If you could describe our relationship in three words, what would they be and why?”
“It gives a really quick summary snapshot of where you and your partner are at emotionally,” she says. “We don’t always know how to verbalize what we’re feeling or thinking—we just know that something’s off, or maybe some things are good.”
Articulating your feelings in just three words—rather than jumping straight into a long, emotionally charged conversation—can make it easier to open a conversation about what’s working and what isn’t. Todd recommends doing this low-pressure check-in once a year, or more often in difficult seasons, like when you’re navigating a major change. “You’re encouraging that open dialogue without feeling threatening, or like it’s attacking anybody or you’re trying to do a ‘gotcha’ moment,” she says. “You can bring it up any time and just be like, ‘How are things going? Are we feeling aligned right now, or are we not feeling aligned?’”
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When Todd’s clients do this exercise, they report hearing a range of words: disconnected, heavy, supportive, pressure, caring, connected. If it’s clear you need to talk something through, aim to follow up as soon as you have the space and time to do so, she says. If it’s 9 p.m. and you’re both exhausted, it’s probably a good idea to save the conversation until another day. Consider, too, whether you’ve both had the opportunity to digest the words you shared with each other.
When you start talking, aim to use “I” statements and make it clear you’re open to feedback. “It’s so easy to take things personally and to be accusatory and be like, ‘You did this, you did that,’” Todd says. “At the end of the day in a relationship, you want to be able to meet each other’s needs, but in order to understand what the other person’s needs are, you need to communicate that to that person, and they need to hear it.”
A bonus question
Another question can help you build on what you’ve already learned from your partner: “I love the life we have together—but what do you want more of?”
It often helps people realize that, even if they’re generally content, there are still things they’d like to do that they’re afraid to bring up. “There’s a hesitation around asking for what you really, really want, and there’s a possibility that your partner could let you down,” says April Lancit, an assistant professor of marriage and family therapy at La Salle University in Philadelphia. Yet it’s better to ask than to keep your feelings quiet and risk feeling regretful and resentful down the road.
Some of the couples Lancit works with have told each other they’d like to be more spontaneous, go on special trips together, try new restaurants, have more conversations, or simply sleep in and watch Netflix on a Sunday morning instead of sticking to a tight schedule. “It’s a wonderful thing to be able to explore,” she says, “especially if you’ve gotten a little stagnant and are used to the monotony of what you’ve been doing.”
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Lancit suggests checking in like this every six months to a year—and being intentional about following through on what each partner wants more of. To make those ideas more concrete, some couples create relationship vision boards, she says, imagining what they’d like to do together in the year ahead. “It starts with having the conversation, putting it on paper, visualizing it, and then using a shared calendar to pencil it in,” she says. Taking turns adding one meaningful activity to the calendar each month can help ensure that both partners feel engaged and involved.
“I’ve had a good track record with couples coming back and telling me what they’ve done and what they’ve tried and the progress they’ve made,” Lancit says. “It allows them to be a dreamer again.”
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