A septuagenarian estranged from her children reflects on her ‘chalk and cheese’ relationship.
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Age: 72
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Heterosexual
Ethnicity: Nga Tiriti Pakeha
Religion: Existential taoist and equal-opportunity atheist.
Occupation: Sort of retired. I run an AirBnB.
Length of relationship: 46 years.
Children: 4 (1 deceased, by suicide, and we have joined the world epidemic of estrangement from the rest.)
How we met: Studying overseas as temporary students who both came home.
The best thing about my relationship: That it’s finally settled into something we both enjoy.
A problem we can’t seem to resolve: His chaotic mind and lifestyle vs my love of structure and routine. He’s kind but self-centred, and I’m autistic. Language is my superpower and his only noun is “thing”.
This is how we share/separate our finances: When we worked, both salaries were always considered joint income, and we had a regular allowance that went into individual accounts. That allowed us to support our family appropriately while still having the ability to follow our own interests. I earned more than him until I took early retirement because of burnout. I still carry out all the financial actions and decisions that have allowed us a comfortable retirement.
This is how we split chores and childcare: When there were four children he contributed enormously and I didn’t feel solely responsible for everything domestic. Once I retired (with only one child still at home) it became harder to justify to myself and I did the lion’s share, though I never took over vacuuming so now it’s hardly ever done. Since he’s retired I’ve all but given up cooking, to my great relief. On the other hand, I do no house maintenance; he loves carpentry and I love gardening so that’s worked out OK.
Our sex life in three words: A happy memory.
The thing that makes me a good partner: I care about his wellbeing and keep him in mind in (almost) all my decisions.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: Not reacting badly to his crazy disorganised approach to life, the universe and everything.
What I most appreciate in my partner: He still makes me laugh, after all these years. I think that’s helped.
What I most resent in my relationship: All the times he’s dismissed my needs and told me the things I care about don’t matter. Now that I’ve come out as autistic he’s a lot better, though I can’t drop the masking completely.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: Mutual tolerance of our differences. We have enough in common that we’ve enjoyed our life together overall, and we both have a quirky approach to many things, which we appreciate and enjoy. We have been described as “chalk and cheese” but actually our fundamental values are very similar.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: There are times when we can’t stand the sight of each other.
Our last big fight was about: Understanding the difference between “before” and “after”. I made the mistake of telling him when children develop this and he got really pissed off. Given that I once wrote a paper on it, I felt it was not irrelevant to the discussion.
If I hadn’t met my partner: I’d probably have lasted a bit longer with the partner I already had, but not indefinitely. At least I hope not – I’d have been widowed long ago.
I expect my relationship to last until: One of us dies, though we disagree about who is entitled to last longer. Neither of us would care to find a replacement – who can be bothered going through all that again?
My relationship advice is: Survive the horrible bits and they’ll pass like tumbleweed, eventually.
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