You can be proud of your teenager’s growing independence and still miss being the first person they tell about their day.
When they would rather spend the afternoon with friends, or answer a question about school with a single word, you may wonder how much of their life you are still part of. You remain responsible for them, even as they become less willing to have you involved in every decision.
How do you make that adjustment?
Researchers Kathleen McElhaney, Joseph Allen and their colleagues have examined how autonomy and attachment develop during adolescence. Their review challenges the idea that teenagers must become emotionally detached from their parents to become independent. They can learn to make their own decisions while continuing to rely on a close relationship with you.
Increasingly, you become a consultant: someone who helps them think through a decision, offers experience and remains available as they try things for themselves. Here are three ways to practice that role.
Help them work out what they think
When your teenager asks about a disagreement with a friend, you may recognize the situation and know what you would do. Before offering that answer, ask how they see it and what they would like to happen next.
Give them time to develop their own response. You can discuss the options they are considering, including consequences they may have overlooked, without deciding which words they should use or how they should feel about the friendship.
They get to practice making a judgment with an experienced adult beside them. You also learn more about the person they are becoming.
Be someone they can tell
In a study of 703 Swedish 14-year-olds and their parents, Håkan Stattin and Margaret Kerr found that parents learned about their teenagers’ activities mainly through what the teenagers voluntarily disclosed. That disclosure was also the source of parental knowledge most closely associated with less rule-breaking.
The researchers distinguished knowing about a teenager’s life from actively tracking it. For parents, an important question follows: What happens when your teenager does tell you something?
Let them finish before asking for more details or offering advice. If they are upset, try to understand what the experience meant to them. You can acknowledge their disappointment while discussing what they might do next.
That is part of emotion coaching. In a randomized study led by Sophie Havighurst, parents who received emotion-coaching training and their children reported reduced family conflict compared with controls. Practice listening this way while your children are young if you can; if they are already teenagers, begin now.
For help understanding your teenager’s emotions and staying close through difficult moments, explore our online Emotion Coaching course.
Revisit the decisions you make together
Being a consultant still involves parental responsibility. You need to know where your teenager is going, who they will be with and how they will get home.
Ask them to propose an arrangement, explain any concerns and discuss what would make the plan workable. If you set a limit, give the reason. As they handle more responsibility, reconsider what they can decide for themselves.
They may disagree with your answer. Hear their reasoning, and be willing to change your mind when they make a convincing case.
Over time, you will make fewer decisions on their behalf. In the conversations you have now, they can practice asking for advice, disagreeing with you and thinking again, while knowing you remain interested in how things turn out.
Years from now, when they no longer need your permission, you may still be the person they call.
For practical support as your relationship with your teenager changes, explore Gottman Parenting: Teen Success.
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