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When someone offers your teenager a drink at a party, the alcohol may be only part of the attraction. The same can be true of trying cannabis, speeding with friends in the car or attempting a dangerous stunt for a video: alongside the danger, they may see a chance to belong, impress someone or experience something new.
As parents, we want them to consider what could go wrong. To help them do that, we also need to understand what they expect to go right.
Why do teens take risks they understand?
In a review of research on adolescent risk-taking, psychologist Laurence Steinberg challenged the assumption that teenagers simply fail to recognize danger. He described how young people become more sensitive to rewards during adolescence while continuing to develop their ability to regulate their behavior. In an exciting situation, they may give more weight to a possible reward than they would when considering the same choice calmly.
Psychologist Bernd Figner and colleagues tested that distinction in four experiments involving teenagers and adults. Participants played versions of a card game designed to encourage either emotionally engaging or more deliberative decisions. Teenagers took more risks than adults in the emotionally engaging version, but not in the deliberative one. The difference depended on the circumstances in which they chose.
Friends can matter even without urging anyone on. In a simulated-driving study, psychologist Jason Chein and colleagues found that adolescents took more risks when friends watched. They also showed greater activity in brain regions involved in processing rewards. Their friends were in another room and could not encourage them during the task.
These were laboratory tasks, not parties. But for parents, the distinction is worth considering: discussing a decision at home and making it among friends are different experiences. Preparation needs to include the situation your teenager may face.
Three conversations to have before they go
1. Ask what makes it appealing.
Before repeating a warning, ask what sounds exciting about the plan. If they want to ride with a friend who speeds, find out what makes them confident about going. Perhaps they trust the driver or have ridden with them before. Discuss that particular reasoning: getting home last time does not establish that speeding is safe this time.
2. Talk through the awkward part of refusing.
Ask how their friends might respond if they declined a drink or decided against a stunt. Listen before suggesting an answer. Then help them find words they would actually use and practice saying them. Talk about friendship, too: what would they want a friend to do if they were the one feeling pressured?
3. Make the arrangements and limits specific.
Know where they are going, who they will be with and how they will get home. Be explicit that they must not ride with someone who has been drinking or using drugs. Agree beforehand on whom they can contact and how to arrange another way home if plans change.
When you talk afterward, ask how the evening unfolded. Give them room to describe what they hoped would happen, including anything you find difficult to hear.
You can be clear about the risks you want your teenager to avoid and still be curious about what makes those risks worth taking in their eyes.
For more help understanding your teenager’s choices and staying connected as they become more independent, explore our online course, Gottman Parenting: The Science of the Teenage Mind.
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