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Your teenager may discover what they want from life by discovering what they have to offer.
As parents, we tend to ask about the future in terms of college, qualifications and a job. We want our children to support themselves and enjoy their lives. But we can also ask about the people they hope to help, the problems they want to solve and the kind of person they want to become.
Stanford psychologist William Damon describes purpose as a lasting commitment to something personally meaningful that also matters beyond ourselves. A teenager might want to protect animals, play music for others or help younger children learn. To help them explore a sense of purpose, start with three things: ask what they care about, help them try something and keep talking as they learn about themselves.
1. Ask about what matters now
Begin with something your teenager already talks about. If they keep mentioning an animal shelter’s videos, ask what interests them about the work. Give them time to explain before suggesting veterinary school.
You can also ask whom they admire and what they admire about that person. Follow up on their answer: when did they first notice that quality? Would they like to do something similar themselves?
You are getting to know the person your teenager is becoming. They may describe themselves differently from the child you remember, or care about something you had barely noticed. Let them explain, including when their answer surprises you.
2. Help them try a real role
In a two-year study of 146 young people, from middle school through college, Stanford researcher Heather Malin and colleagues found that some high school students developed more specific goals as they gained opportunities to contribute. They began connecting their interests and abilities with roles they could imagine taking on.
One participant initially wanted to help children but had no plan. While working in a preschool, she began to imagine a career caring for children who had experienced abuse.
For your teenager, a first step could be helping a younger player at soccer practice, designing a poster for a community event or asking a shelter about age-appropriate volunteer work. Offer to help find a contact or write an inquiry. Let them choose what to try, and ask afterward what they enjoyed, whom they helped and whether they want to go back.
3. Let them reconsider
Another participant in the same study was considering music and engineering as ways to contribute to his community. Although he no longer met their criteria for purpose, the researchers saw his exploration as a possible step forward.
If your teenager loses interest, ask what they discovered. Perhaps they liked working with children but disliked the particular setting. You can discuss another way to get involved without asking them to defend a career choice they never made.
“You can’t give somebody a purpose,” Damon said in an interview. Keep offering opportunities, and stay curious about what your teenager makes of them. They can take something seriously without deciding to do it for the rest of their life.
Someday, when you ask what they want to do with their life, they may tell you whose life they hope to make better.
For more support as your teenager becomes more independent, explore Gottman Parenting: Teen Success, our online course for parents who want to stay connected through the changes ahead.
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