Germany’s ‘Elternzeit’ may sound like time off, but the first year with a baby can be lonely, chaotic and full of admin. From Familienzentren to Kleinanzeigen, journalist and new parent Imogen Goodman writes about how to get through it.
Back in July, my daughter turned one, surrounded by family, some of her new baby friends and friends from my old life in Berlin. While she munched on her banana cake, the other parents were quick to congratulate us – and especially me – on making it through the first year.
That may sound dramatic, but the sleepless nights and shapeless days of early parenthood can make the first year feel like an endurance test. Here are some of the strategies that helped me through to the other side.
1. Find your village at the Familienzentrum
The first year after having a child can be a strangely lonely one. You may feel alienated from your child-free friends, envying their ability to meet for drinks at the drop of a hat. You may find yourself plagued by worries, wondering if you’re doing enough or if other parents feel similarly overwhelmed and exhausted.
And then there are the big questions: is my daughter getting enough tummy time?
In this strange new phase of life, finding a community of other parents is non-negotiable.
For me, Germany’s family community centres were a life-saver in the early months of my daughter’s life. Going to regular baby groups – and later on, Krabbelgruppen or play groups – was a way to get out of the house, chat with other parents over a coffee, hear their tips and tribulations, and laugh off the things that had previously felt just a bit too serious.
Plus, there’s no better feeling than running into familiar faces in your neighbourhood, or having a few people to call to meet for a play date when you’re wondering what to do with yourself.
READ ALSO: What are Germany’s ‘Familienzentren’ and how do they support families?
2. Put at least one recurring activity in the diary
The early months of having a child are a strange kind of busy: you aren’t really doing anything, but you can’t really do anything else. Between the nappy-changes, feeds, cuddles and nap times, the days slip by in a kind of blur.
What helped for me – especially after my partner returned to university – was having a few anchor points each week. One was a Pekip course (short for the Prague Parent-Child Programme, a popular developmental programme in Germany).
Every Tuesday morning, I would take my baby daughter to a little community centre in Prenzlauer Berg, where she and a handful of other babies would crawl around a heated room, completely naked.
Babies take part in a play group in the German state of Baden-Württemberg. Photo: picture alliance / dpa | Kathrin Drinkuth
The teacher, an earnest and very knowledgeable American woman, would give us eccentric activities we could do with our babies to help further their development. Even now, I have fond memories of my daughter “getting to grips with cause and effect” (otherwise known as batting a windchime).
Other parents I know have done baby swimming classes, which they love, or signed up for music groups, or simply organised regular play dates or visits to Krabbelgruppen.
The point is to have regular appointments to look forward to and to fill the interminable space between nap times. You can find lots of classes and courses near you on websites like kidsgo and Kietzee.
3. Let Kleinanzeigen – and freebies – furnish your baby’s entire existence
Having a child doesn’t have to cost a bomb – at least not at the start. In Germany, there’s a big culture of passing hand-me-downs on to friends and family, or putting them in a box marked “zu verschenken” (to give away).
Most community centres also have an area where people can bring second-hand clothes, toys and books, ready to be picked up by the next family.
It’s not an exaggeration to say we didn’t need to purchase a single toy for the first year of my child’s life, and we’re still working our way through bags of second-hand clothes.
For the rest, Ebay Kleinanzeigen is the gift that keeps on giving. Whatever you need – from a changing table to a new sleeping bag – you’re likely to find there at a fraction of the normal retail price. My strategy has been to relist things once my daughter grows out of them, which has a satisfying circularity to it and helped save hundreds of euros over the first year of her life.
READ ALSO: The things I wish I’d known about ‘Elterngeld’ as a freelancer in Germany
4. Get out of the house – even if leaving takes 45 minutes
Your task each week is to have a few anchors. Your task each day is to leave the house.
This felt especially daunting right at the start, when I couldn’t quite conceive of the idea that my daughter was actually portable and was mildly aghast at the idea of taking her around in the big wide world.
Once I figured out how to tie my Tragetuch (sling), though, and later invested in a much simpler baby carrier, I discovered that Germany can be a wonderfully child-friendly place. You may find joy simply sitting with your tiny one in your nearest park, or delight in the fact that your local library has children’s books in your native tongue.
READ ALSO: What you can borrow from a library in Germany… apart from books
I also had a great time going to mum and baby yoga classes, where my downward-facing dog would send my daughter into a fit of giggles.
Sometimes, you may stumble across something that makes you realise how wholesome Germany can be. In my neighbourhood, there’s a little farmyard for children with painfully idyllic timber-framed houses, play activities, a sand pit and an array of farm animals, from pigs to donkeys.
Journalist Imogen Goodman pictured with her baby. Photo: provided by Imogen Goodman
5. Ask for help before you think you “deserve” it
Though caring for a young child is full of moments of pure joy, every parent has their fair share of struggles. For me, the early months were tainted by post-natal depression, a condition around 1 in 8 women in Germany experience after giving birth.
Amazingly, the second I opened up to my gynaecologist about the situation, the resources flooded in. A specialist psychiatrist took me on as a patient, even helping to me get some household support during the darkest months. I was referred to a self-help group, Schatten und Licht, which runs online and in-person meetings in German and English. My gynaecologist offered to write a prescription for extra hours with my midwife, in case I had questions or needed more support.
Whatever you’re experiencing, just know there’s help available. From specialised family counselling services, to legal advice, to help with the endless paperwork, to the Schreiambulanz (an advice service for parents who are struggling with issues like sleep problems or constant crying).
Getting ahead of the problem is the best way to stop it snowballing. And yes, you do deserve the help.
6. Accept that DM is now your second home
If you’re struggling to find structure in your daily life, take comfort: the trips to DM will give a kind of shape to your days. Whether it’s extra packets of nappies, little jars of baby mush, wet wipes, nappy-rash creams, those little corn snacks that little kids find irresistible, there will always be a reason to go to DM.
Even now, I sometimes organise the post-nursery afternoon around a trip to my favourite Drogerei. There are three DMs all located a 15-minute-or-so walk away from our flat, so we can pick which one we visit according to our whims that day.
I place my daughter in her buggy and hit the road (complete with corn snacks), navigating our way there and back via the nearest playgrounds. Variety truly is the spice of life.
READ ALSO: The schoolyard terms you need to understand your German-speaking kids
7. Don’t keep the family calendar in your head
If you’ve ever heard the concept of “mental load”, you’ll start to truly understand it after having a child in Germany. For us, the first six months of life was a constant stream of vaccinations, screenings and check-ups, plus visits to prospective Kitas, and deadlines for endless paperwork.
At one point, it felt like every conversation I had with my partner involved relaying administrative info.
Over time, I’ve learnt to rely on as many external planning tools as possible. Doctolib helps me keep track of doctors’ appointments for my daughter and also reminds me to book them. FamilyWall gives us a shared digital calendar where we can write in family appointments and see who needs to be available.
Most recently, we’ve also started using a paper calender in the hallway for visual reminders, as well as splitting the main childcare responsibilities at different times of day. It’s not a perfect system, but it’s certainly helped us find our rhythm over time.
8. Remember that survival, not optimisation, is the goal
Working all hours in the run-up to maternity leave, I had a particularly halcyon-tinted view of Elternzeit, Germany’s parental-leave system. I envisioned the cosy weeks of Wochenbett after the birth, when mums recuperate in bed for weeks on end. Baby snoozing on my knee, or nearby in her cot, I would be able to lose myself in novels and silly television shows while my partner made me cups of herbal tea.
Perhaps later in the year, I could work on my writing, do some deep thinking about my career and where I was going next, maybe learn a new musical instrument?
Did that happen? Of course not. And that’s exactly how it should be. The first year after becoming a parent is chaotic, messy, blissful, emotional, and the brand new baby in your life is bound to be at the centre of it. All you need to do is breathe, find your people, and get through it.
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