Inflicting Shame And Pain (on Bullies) Won’t Solve NZ’s Bullying Problem

Sagas such as that of Labour MP Gaurav Sharma and other
stories about bullies and bullying will continue to make
headlines in New Zealand until people are taught the mental
skills they need to protect themselves—and for as long as
we continue to shame, expel, and punish the bullies
themselves.

Simone-Ellen Keller, personal
transformation strategist and founder of Genius You—a
framework for self-understanding and development—said that
bullying is as old as humanity, and we still don’t have a
solution because people aren’t taught the necessary
skills.

“We focus on attempting to get bullies to
stop the behaviour, rather than teaching all people the
necessary skills to help stop it from
happening.

“Bullying is a defence system that some
people use to protect themselves from pain (or emotions they
can’t handle.) Their victims will always suffer until they
learn the tools to process their own emotions and turn them
into a strength so they can protect themselves in the
future.”

Keller said everybody has the ability to
bully; we all experience the emotions and have the
storylines necessary to allow it to happen.

“The
only way we can make sure we don’t do this behaviour, is
if we are aware of ourselves. And that has to be the choice
of the person. You cannot change a person’s behaviour
without them being willing to examine the storylines that
allow them to conduct this behaviour. They have to be
prepared to look at it. Most aren’t willing, until they
are able to see that the behaviour is hurting them, as much
as the victim,” Keller said.

People need training
and insight to self-observe, identify, and understand their
feelings and behaviours and use those as a signal to
investigate the causes, take action and change the ‘inner
storyline’ they tell themselves.

Keller said that only
when we can stand back and observe a situation rationally
can we begin to understand cause and effect. From that
knowledge comes the power to change
outcomes.

Unfortunately, most bullies are unable to do
the work necessary to make these changes. The irony is that,
unlike their victims, they’re too scared to look
internally. Until such skill development becomes part of the
national syllabus, she offers the following tactics to the
victims of bullying:

1. Recondition the
emotion

Bullying triggers fear, which is perceived as
a negative emotion by many, but it is actually an important
emotion that our minds use to warn us about
danger.

“Don’t run away from the fear because it will
dominate you—just as you don’t turn your back on a
dangerous animal. Usually, fear is your mind’s way of
telling you that you are not resourced for the situation.
Once you know that, you can explore ways to get better
resources. This will build confidence.”

2. Grab
shame

Keller said the most powerful way to overcome
the feelings of fear and shame that bullying may induce is
to develop a relationship with these emotions.

“Sit in
the shame and fear. Listen to them, don’t run. When you
become familiar with these emotions and what they are trying
to say, you will get power over them—in the same way
soldiers learn to do their job despite the fear.

3.
Tell new stories

Keller said that bullies could,
unwittingly, tap into negative stories we’ve been telling
ourselves from early childhood. Often these are false and
are primarily based on what others said, what we heard, and
how our child’s mind interpreted things that happened to
us.

“Face these stories, interrogate them and spend
time with them. When we do this, we can turn these once
terrifying emotions we experience into tools we can use. Ask
yourself where your feelings (your stories) are coming from,
why you feel this way and what you can do to change what’s
happening.

“Our approach has been to punish bullies
and mollycoddle victims, but that does nothing to stop the
behaviour or heal the pain. Both parties need to understand
their emotions better, then they can use them to move
onwards and upwards rather than getting dragged down,”
Keller said.

Genius You is a programme designed to
unlock the ‘genius and brilliance’ inherent to every
human being by helping us understand ourselves and how to
overcome our mind’s defence system. By using our emotions
constructively, we can enjoy healthy relationships, be more
resilient and productive and achieve our goals.

More
information here: https://www.geniusyou.co.nz/

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