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I’ve had no intention of piling on Kristi Noem.
She did a terrible job, especially with ICE and FEMA, seemed obsessed with promoting herself–whether at a Salvadoran prison or on horseback at Mount Rushmore–and President Trump fired her. He probably waited too long, but he did oust her as secretary of Homeland Security. End of story.
Until now.
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I know this reeks of gossipy tabloidism, but it directly involves the ex-secretary and, what makes it dead serious, it raises the prospect of blackmail. And it follows the romantic rumors that she has dismissed.
The Daily Mail, which has amassed a ton of evidence, reports on the “secret life,” to use that headline-grabbing cliche, of her husband, Bryon Noem.
There are several photos of Bryon Noem, sporting pink hotpants and enormous fake breasts.
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem testifies in a hearing in Washington in March 2026. (Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)
Mail reporters interviewed several “fetish” models who claim to have had an online relationship with Noem, tied to women fantasizing about becoming Barbie dolls with gigantic curves (far eclipsing the actual skinny dolls). It’s called “bimbofication.”
The piece says Mr. Noem is said to have paid these women thousands of dollars for their services, sometimes making salacious requests. I’ll spare you the unsettling details.
Kristi’s reps told the New York Post: “Ms. Noem is devastated. The family was blindsided by this, and they ask for privacy and prayers at the time.”
The president told the Daily Mail he was surprised to hear the Noem family confirmed the shocking report into his lewd online behavior.
“They confirmed it? Wow, well, I feel badly for the family if that’s the case, that’s too bad,” Trump said in a phone call.
But here’s the key part. Noem, says the Mail, made little attempt to conceal the extracurricular activities, giving women her husband’s phone number with a voicemail message that identified his business.
The main concern, and the reason this is newsworthy, is that Kristi could have been subjected to blackmail.
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Former CIA officer Marc Polymeropoulos told the paper, “If a media organization can find this out, you can assume with a high degree of confidence that a hostile intelligence service knows this as well.”
An editor at Glenn Beck’s The Blaze said, “The entire GOP is full of degenerates, at this point probably more than Dems. And in this case, all of this was known long before she was appointed. It was an insane appointment.”
All right, I think we’ve all had enough of that.
Bryon Noem, husband of former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, center, watches as Kristi Noem testifies during a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing in Washington, DC, on Tuesday, March 3, 2026. (Graeme Sloan/Bloomberg via Getty Images)
Let’s turn to the new DHS secretary, former senator Markwayne Mullin.
As the New York Times reports, “Mullin has worked toward a less flashy debut: briefing members of Congress on the effects of the government shutdown, attending White House meetings and doing a video talking up the people he now oversees. ‘I think I have the greatest employees working at DHS. ever — I mean that sincerely,’” he said in a video.
Mullin still has to manage a mass deportation program that has plummeted in public approval–especially after the killing of two American citizens in Minneapolis. And he largely agrees with Trump’s hardline views.
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At his confirmation hearing, Mullin said: “My goal in six months is that we’re not in the lead story every single day. “My goal is for people to understand we’re out there, we’re protecting them and we’re working with them.”
It will be a difficult balancing act – especially since, for the moment, DHS funding is frozen – except for TSA workers, by presidential decree – as the two parties can’t agree on a way to resolve the partial government shutdown.
What’s clear is that the Kristi Noem era is over, with a new boss who wants to avoid headlines rather than seek them out.
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is sworn in before she testifies during a Senate Judiciary Committee oversight hearing on Capitol Hill in Washington, Tuesday, March 3, 2026. (Manuel Balce Ceneta/AP Photo)
Footnote: Jimmy Kimmel is taking heat for making disparaging remarks about Markwayne Mullin.
“Let me make this very clear, I’m not upset that the head of Homeland Security used to be a plumber. I’m upset that he isn’t still a plumber,” Kimmel said. “That’s right. We have a plumber protecting us from terrorism now. It worked for Super Mario. Why not Markwayne?”
This was widely criticized as denigrating the working class.
“Secretary Mullin represents the best of blue-collar America, and failed comedian Jimmy Kimmel chooses to ridicule him for it,” a DHS spokesperson told Fox.
What’s more, Mullin took over the debt-ridden family company and expanded it into a major regional operation, including real estate and environmental services.
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Kimmel doubled down, despite the criticism. “I wouldn’t put a plumber in charge of Homeland Security for the same reason I wouldn’t call a five-star general to pull a rat out of my toilet. OK? We all have our areas of expertise.”
Jimmy just has a tin ear on this one.
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