‘If I can’t be trusted with big things like using our money responsibly, not using Class A drugs, or using condoms when playing with other guys, how can I be trusted with little things?’
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Age: 43
Gender: Male
Sexuality: Gay
Ethnicity: Pākehā
Religion: None
Occupation: Workplace relations and dispute resolution
Length of relationship: 13 years
Children: None
How we met: Via a dating app, but when we first met in real life I thought he was just the hottest guy I’d ever laid eyes on. I still think that, 13 years later. We’re older and chubbier and balder and middle-aged, but by Christ he’s still absolutely gorgeous. Properly hot AF.
The best thing about my relationship: The stability and safety that comes with being married – it’s quiet, predictable, there’s always someone in my corner who’ll support me and love me.
A problem we can’t seem to resolve: He doesn’t fully trust me. I’ve had issues in the past with frittering away money and drug use that I kept hidden. We also have an open relationship which requires us both sticking to agreed parameters. He knows I haven’t been sticking to the rules and now he’s understandably unsure whether he can trust me. If I can’t be trusted with big things like using our money responsibly, not using Class A drugs, or using condoms when playing with other guys, how can I be trusted with little things?
This is how we share/separate our finances: We have one joint account and one joint credit card – we don’t have separate bank accounts otherwise.
This is how we split chores and childcare: He does about 70-80% of the chores – I’m chronically lazy when it comes to housework, and will avoid cleaning almost until the mess becomes a risk to the health of the whole community.
Our sex life in three words: Satisfying, not raunchy.
The thing that makes me a good partner:Despite my foibles and flaws (he once told me “I love you, but I really don’t like you some of the time”), I’m very loyal. When we argue, I never punch below the belt. I support his decisions and choices unconditionally, even if I secretly think they’re silly.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: I struggle with reciprocity. He’s always doing things for us (or just for me) spontaneously, without having to be asked. I invariably need to be asked. It’s not that I’m selfish – I just get caught up in my own mind, it’s an ADD thing (I’m diagnosed, taking Ritalin, the whole shebang).
What I most appreciate in my partner: His incredible patience, kindness, and enormous generosity of spirit. Nobody I know who knows him ever has a bad thing to say about him – he’s one of those people who is just unambiguously nice.
What I most resent in my relationship: Myself and how I think my inactions are probably making him feel.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: We’ve grown deeper and deeper in love, but have become less romantic. We’re very much a married couple, Netflix on the couch, prefer the quiet solitude of just being at home together rather than out at clubs or social events.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: It’s an open relationship.
Our last big fight was about: My lack of follow-through. I’m quick to promise, slow to deliver. It really pisses him off, but I can’t seem to change my behaviour.
If I hadn’t met my partner: I’d probably be shacked up with someone else, I suspect.
I expect my relationship to last until:Our deaths, actually. I might be fooling myself, but I reckon we’ll make it.
My relationship advice is: Always be reciprocal. Never take them for granted. Let them know by your actions that you love them. Always be the first to apologise.
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