Photo: Artem Peretiatko / Getty Images/iStockphoto
Your teenager is about to start driving, and you’re lying awake imagining them behind the wheel with friends talking over the music. Their phone buzzes, and they glance down just as the driver ahead begins to brake.
What can you do beyond saying, “Please be careful”?
You can practice driving together, of course. But they also need help recognizing when they are overestimating their abilities, refusing friends and asking for help after a mistake.
Why knowing the rules isn’t enough
One of my children was with two friends when an unlicensed teenager proposed taking his father’s car to a soccer field. They argued that it was only a short drive. My child knew they should not go along, but felt pressured and did. I learned about it afterward, when they came and told me.
We needed to discuss what made refusing difficult. Repeating the rule would not explain why they had agreed.
Psychologist Thomas Dishion studied how friends encourage rule-breaking. His team observed boys aged 13–14 talking with friends; in some pairs, stories about breaking rules prompted laughter and encouragement. This pattern predicted increased rule-breaking over the following two years. He called the process “deviancy training.”
The study was not about driving specifically. For driving, the concern is that your teenager may win approval for doing something unsafe. A friend who admires speeding or dismisses a passenger restriction can encourage choices very different from those you discussed at home.
Teenagers are still developing the ability to resist that influence. Laurence Steinberg and Kathryn Monahan found that young people reported greater resistance to peer pressure between 14 and 18. Refusing someone they like can be difficult even when they understand the reason to refuse.
They may also underestimate their own risk. In a study of drivers aged 17–25, participants tended to regard themselves as more skilled and less likely to have an accident than their peers. Your teenager can recognize that checking a phone is dangerous and still believe they can manage it.
Turn the conversation into practice
Begin with what your teenager finds difficult. Ask what happens when they disagree with friends. Listen for the possibility of being laughed at or left out. Understanding that discomfort gives you something to help with while keeping the driving limit clear.
Rehearse a specific situation. You play the friend asking for a ride that would break the passenger restriction; your teenager practices refusing. Let them choose words they would use, then discuss how they could leave if the friend keeps insisting. Agree on whom to call and how to arrange a safe ride.
Prepare the phone together in the parked car: set navigation and music, silence notifications and put it out of reach. Changes can wait until they have parked safely. Follow that agreement yourself, and expect them to wait before answering your messages.
Keep driving together after the test. If they miss a turn, help them continue until they can change course safely. Discuss it afterward. Alongside practice, maintain clear expectations about seatbelts and no impaired driving. Check the rules where you live about teenage passengers and nighttime driving, and agree on how your teenager will follow them. NHTSA’s parent guidance covers these essentials.
With my child, we could discuss the pressure because they told me what happened. I want that conversation to remain possible. Before your teenager leaves, make sure they know they can call even when they expect you to be upset. There will be time to discuss their choices. First, let’s get them home.
For help understanding teenage risk-taking and talking about independence, explore Gottman Parenting: Teens, including The Science of the Teenage Mind. Find practical guidance for the challenges you and your teenager are working through together.
Discussion about this post