‘The masters of relationships are masters of repair’
These words of Dr. John Gottman, spoken in his memorable voice and cadence, go with me into every couples therapy session. I repeat these 8 words to my couples as I teach them the Gottman intervention called The Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident and as I guide them through the intricacies of the Gottman Repair Checklist. As a Certified Gottman Therapist I believe in the power of repair.
Yet, recently, I have become increasingly aware that, when it comes to my relationships, I have not achieved repair master status. I like repair to happen on my timeline.. And guess what? Not everyone has the same timing as I do. Why is this such a surprise to me? I am not sure, but it is.
Where Our Repair Rhythms Come From
I grew up with a mother who had mastered the silent treatment. She had the ability to hold a grudge for days and then magically let it go with no explanation. There was no repair conversation. My father was different. He was quick to get upset with me and quick to repair. We would talk about what happened. I am more like my father. I can get myself into hot water, but I am quick to apologize and to forgive others if they do the same.
I find distance in my closest relationships to be intolerable. If I am honest, this means that some of my motivation for repair is to selfishly decrease my own discomfort and anxiety. But that is not the only motivation. I believe in repair and forgiveness. My faith values are aligned with forgiving over and over again and with the recognition that I have made so many mistakes that I am in no position to judge others.
My partner has the same values, but he is a slow cooker when it comes to repair – it takes time for him to be ready. I am the air fryer. I am ready almost immediately.
When Repair Rhythms Don’t Match
So, what do couples do when they have different rhythms of repair? It is easy when the rhythms match. I am reminded of how Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman wrote about 3 conflict management styles for couples in their book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection: Avoiders, Validators, and Volatiles. They noted that couples can have any of these styles and have a healthy marriage. Where there is a problem is when they do not align – a mismatch.
I venture to say it is the same with repair rhythms. Two air fryers will get along well and two slow cookers will also. It is when a slow cooker and an air fryer are plugged into the same relationship that there are challenges. The person who is quick to repair will pressure the other, sometimes leading to a pursuer -distancer pattern which only results in the person slower to repair retreating even further. The slow cooker may need to work on shortening the time to come back so they do not slip into stonewalling, one of the 4 horsemen, while the air fryer may need to work on tolerating the discomfort that comes when things remain unresolved for a period of time.
5 Tips for Mismatched Repair Rhythms
What to do if there is a mismatch in repair rhythms?
- Talk about the difference in repair rhythms in your relationship. Avoid judging the other’s repair rhythm. Work to respect and accept your differences.
- When calm, identify the feelings that trigger the most distance. These are typically hurt, rejection, or betrayal. Enduring vulnerabilities may surface as well.
- If possible, the person who is slower to repair states how much time they need before they are ready to talk. It is not fair for them to postpone the conversation indefinitely.
- The person who wants to repair right away needs to learn self-soothing, distress tolerance, and distraction so they can wait. It is not fair for them to demand a conversation right away.
- Commit to talking about what happened and not just sweeping the issue under the rug where it will create distance and, ultimately, hurt the relationship.
Repair Is Not a Competition
Repair is not a race where the one who is ready to repair first wins. In fact, what I have learned is that waiting until my partner is ready to repair allows time for me to thoughtfully reflect upon what happened and, in the best-case scenario, identify the deeper issues that triggered the rupture. Sometimes a quick repair results in an apology that is genuine but addresses more superficial issues (I am so sorry that I swore at you) whereas a delayed repair can reach deeper (I am so sorry that I hurt you with words that I knew could trigger painful feelings from your childhood).
As the Gottmans have repeatedly emphasized, perpetual problems are connected to these deeper longings, dreams, or enduring vulnerabilities. When these are identified and understood, the repair process can not only restore connection but be transformative for a relationship.
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