You’re not as body positive as you think. Here’s how to get there

*Mo Doy is a size-inclusive stylist based in Auckland

It’s the year 2022, and we all want to be seen as body positive, yes? Everyone has the right to live in their bodies without fear of judgement or prejudice from others and to exist in a world that accommodates the needs of that body.

Unfortunately, we are a long way from such acceptance, and even those of us who do feel like we are body positive can have internal biases and behaviours that need addressing.

As we head into summer and a new year, here are just a few that we can examine in ourselves as we work on becoming more body positive.

READ MORE:
* The plus size style rules that I’m deliberately breaking
* Festival of Fashion: Let’s talk about sizing in fashion
* Why has #BodyPositivity failed to make us positive about our bodies?
* Like Bodies, Like Minds: Fashion designer Amy Lautogo on growing up fat

Commenting on other peoples bodies

Across the world people (mostly women) are holding their breath – the holiday season is coming, along with unwelcome comments from family members about our careers, our love lives, and of course, our bodies. Comments like, “You look so great, have you lost weight?” or “oh you’re filling out dear” are not only offensive, they’re harmful.

Commenting on anyone’s body is unnecessary, at all. Ever. Seriously, JUST DON’T! People lose and gain weight for a variety of reasons, some of which include hormonal changes, life changes, serious illness and just age. None of these need to be discussed over the Christmas table, or in fact ever.

People need to hear what you value about them – and if their body is number one on the list, your relationship could use further examination. Your weight is the least interesting thing about you.

Policing what people eat

“Are you really going to eat that?” Well I was going to Prudence, but now I feel like I need to go and eat it in secret.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s human nature to attach shame to anything we really really like. Food is great! It tastes wonderful, it nourishes us, it’s fun, and it’s community. And yet so many of us learn young that what we eat makes us ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Food has no moral value, it’s just food.

When you are worried about your children ‘overeating’ or eating too much sugar, where does that stem from? Is it that you’re worried about them getting a variety of nutrients for their growth, or are you concerned about them getting fat? Maybe you fear they will be treated poorly for living in a bigger body. Because you’d be right. They will. That’s a totally valid concern, but is that your child’s responsibility or is it society’s?

Getting clear on your motivation will help you decide how to interact with your child around food. Shaming your child (or anyone else) for eating what you deem as ‘too much’ is not going to help them learn to nourish themselves by listening to their bodies – instead of feeding themselves based on a list of ‘rules’.

If you can, try and separate ‘fatness’ from ‘health’ while you are pondering these points. You can have fat on your body and be medically healthy (you can also be thin and medically unhealthy). No one owes you an explanation of their health.

Asking for information we don’t need

Differences in our bodies extend beyond size, and people with disabilities often talk to a lack of privacy around their condition. You may be tempted to ask someone what’s “happened” to them – why they use a mobility aid – or about the disability of their child, but all of this centres the disability, not the person. If you don’t need the information don’t ask for it.

Speaking negatively about ourselves

In our house we only talk about our bodies in positive terms. The kids often say, “Look at your squashy tummy Mum” and I’ll reply, “yes didn’t it do an awesome job housing two babies”.

Your children think you’re beautiful until you teach them that you’re not. Over many years of conversation my girls have learned that people will comment on their looks because they think everyone should look the same. But we celebrate differences and only want to look like ourselves. (They don’t have social media yet – I’m not looking forward to dealing with that chaos!)

When you get a room of women together, have you ever noticed how often the conversation turns to weight loss? The way we speak about our bodies also has a big impact on our friends. I am flabbergasted by how often women will tell me that they need to drop two dress sizes to look acceptable, when I am standing in front of them, clearly in a much larger body.

The messaging is strong: smaller is better, but you need to catch yourself in those fat phobic thoughts so you can create change. Both for you and the women around you; including the ones we’re raising.

There is so much more to body positivity than this. Body positivity isn’t just a social media movement telling us that it’s okay to look how we look.

It was born from the Fat Liberation movement of the 1960s where Black, queer and fat folks started highlighting the ways in which society discriminated against them and asking for systematic change (read more about the history of the body positivity movement here).

The social media movement has over the years been highjacked by white cis female voices who are deemed an ‘acceptable’ size. I find it easier to identify with ‘body acceptance’ – learning to accept my body, whether I am satisfied with it or not.

And while we examine the external bias of the media and diet industry, we don’t spend a lot of time addressing our internal biases. Including how we are contributing to the oppression of fat people – and, at the very least, how we are practising body positivity within our communities.

It takes practice to change the thoughts of a lifetime. But choosing compassion for yourself, and for others, can create a more inclusive society for everyone.