DEAR ABBY: Boyfriend unhappy about what he’s discovered

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DEAR ABBY: I’m a single man, and have been for 15 years. A year ago, I met a guy, “Josh,” and we fell in love. He lived 240 miles away. A month ago, he transferred his job to my city and moved in with me. (I supported this 100%.) I had sown my wild oats long before he moved in.

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Everything was going great until recently. Josh logged into my computer and saw all my emails and text messages, some of which were as recent as a week ago. I have been updating old flings that I’m no longer on the market, but in one particular text, I didn’t give such information. Instead, I simply didn’t respond.

Later that day, Josh confronted me and began to cry. He said I hurt him, and he doesn’t know how to trust me again. Abby, I love Josh with all my heart, and I’m trying to weed out old “flings” as they come in, but as I mentioned, I’ve been single for 15 years and it will take time.

Since this happened, I have deleted a lot of text messages and updated my social media to “in a relationship,” but I’m still unsure how Josh feels. Was he right to go through my emails and text messages? I have since changed my password, but I need advice. What should I do or say to him to make him feel confident in our relationship? I don’t want to lose him. — FORMER BACHELOR IN TEXAS

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DEAR FORMER BACHELOR: The questions I have to ask you are: Why did Josh go into your computer, and why did he feel it was necessary to snoop through your texts and emails? How much do you know about his personal history, and did he have trust issues that started before you met? Tell Josh you would like the two of you to get couples counselling from a LGBTQ community centre, if he will agree. If he does, it may save your relationship.

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DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have been estranged for eight years. She had an “unusual” relationship with my ex-husband, meaning they moved in together three days after I left him. My entire family insists there’s nothing between them. She blames me, and even though I have reached out, she has never responded. She tells people all kinds of awful things about me and blames me for not knowing her girls. How can I know them if I can’t see them or meet them? I send gifts in the mail, but I’m somehow the “monster”? Help, please. — HURT IN MARYLAND

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DEAR HURT: You wouldn’t have left your husband if the marriage had been hunky-dory. That your sister took him in with no romantic involvement is suspicious. (Does your family also believe in the tooth fairy?) Surely your ex or your sister would have liked a romantic relationship with someone, if not each other.

Of this, I am certain: You cannot control what someone says about you. But you CAN control how you react. Stop listening to gossip your sister spreads, and be suspicious of anyone who insists on telling you about it. Do not expect to have a relationship with her or her daughters, because it isn’t likely to happen. Just put one foot in front of the other, go on with your life and spend as little time as possible looking backward.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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