Ghosting isn’t as cold-hearted as it seems, say psychologists — but people still hate it

Ghosting, the act of ending a relationship by abruptly ignoring another person’s attempts to communicate without explanation, is often seen as a harsh and insensitive way to break ties. Many have experienced the bewildering silence from someone they once communicated with regularly. And this has been especially prevalent in recent years when our social interactions are increasingly digital. Ghosting is common in all types of social interactions, from dating to job interviews.

If you’re on the receiving end of ghosting, the experience can sometimes be harrowing, leaving you questioning yourself. It’s not a good feeling, so our knee-jerk reaction is to judge the ghoster as uncaring and insensitive. However, new research from New York University suggests that ghosting might not be as straightforward as it seems.

Studying Ghosts

Researchers YeJin Park and Nadav Klein have studied ghosting in different settings across eight experiments involving hundreds of people.

They argue that ghosters might often choose this method to avoid causing direct pain to the ghostee, although this intent often goes unrecognized. The study highlights a significant gap in understanding the motives between the ghoster and the ghostee, leading to much speculation and distress.

Park and Klein conducted a series of eight studies to delve into the motivations and perceptions involved in ghosting. Their findings reveal that ghostees generally underestimate the ghosters’ concern for their feelings. Ghosters, on the other hand, might be trying to avoid an uncomfortable or hurtful conversation — both for their own sake but also with the ghostee’s feelings in mind.

“This study highlights how prosocial motives can drive rejection behaviors and the role of interpersonal accuracy in mitigating the negative effects of social rejection,” the researchers wrote.

In one study, participants were assigned roles of ghoster or ghostee in hypothetical scenarios, such as planning a meetup centered around a shared hobby. In this setup, ghosters evaluated their motivations as either self-oriented, like avoiding discomfort, or other-oriented, such as not wanting to hurt the ghostee’s feelings. Meanwhile, ghostees rated how much they believed the ghoster cared about their well-being.

Understanding Both Sides

The findings supported the researchers’ hypothesis: ghostees consistently underestimated how much ghosters cared about their feelings, regardless of the ghosting reason.

Even when ghosters provided reasons for their silence after the fact, ghostees doubted their sincerity. This misperception persisted even when ghosters offered practical help or advice, reflecting a deep mistrust.

The psychologists emphasize that ghosters often experience emotional conflict and distress. They might procrastinate on having a difficult conversation or struggle with finding the right words. Fear of a negative reaction can also play a role in their decision to ghost.

In other words, ghosting can be distressing for both the ghoster and the ghostee, although the study did not quantify which of the two gets the short stick. Understanding this could lead to more compassionate ways of ending relationships.

According to 2023 study, 25% to 33% of young people have experienced ghosting. Since ghosting is a growing trend that is here to stay, the researchers hope studies such as this may help both parties involved come to better terms with the rejection.

The findings appeared in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General.