Bids for Connection
A bid for connection is a term that Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman use to describe any attempt where one partner tries to gain the other partner’s attention, affection, support, or engagement.
Bids can be small and everyday, such as:
- “Look at this.”
- A question about your day.
- A gentle touch.
- Sharing a random thought.
They can also be more direct, such as:
- “Can we talk?”
- “I need a hug.”
The Gottmans say that bids are the fundamental units of emotional communication in relationships. Partners are constantly making these small attempts to connect. The health of a relationship is strongly influenced by how the other partner responds. There are three ways to respond:
Turning towards: Responding positively to the bid (e.g. ‘Oh yeah I see it.’).
Turning away: Ignoring or missing the bid.
Turning against: Reacting negatively to the bid (e.g. ‘Can’t you see I’m working?’).
Anxiety and Bids
Partners who have anxiety will likely make a lot of bids to their partner which can create issues. One scenario is that the partner receiving the bids feels overwhelmed by the number of bids and starts to turn away or turn against. The ‘pursuer’ feels anxious and insecure, so they respond with more bids which then makes the partner become the ‘distancer’. The distancer tries to create some emotional and/or physical space which only makes the pursuer increase their efforts. This vicious cycle is very harmful to relationships.
Differences in Bidding
Differences in bid preferences are not inherently problematic. What creates strain is the negative cycle that can develop around those differences. When partners misinterpret each other’s behavior, they may respond in ways that reinforce distance or frustration.
Interrupting this cycle requires a direct conversation about needs, avoiding blame or criticism and instead focusing on personal experience. Each partner can describe how they feel and what helps them feel connected, rather than framing the issue as something the other person is doing wrong.
When this conversation is handled well, the partner who tends to pursue connection often reduces the intensity or frequency of their bids. They also gain a clearer understanding that their partner’s need for space is not a rejection, but a difference in regulation and connection style.
Next Steps to Deal with Anxiety for Couples
There are practical steps you can take to reduce the impact of anxiety on your relationship. While anxiety will not disappear, the way you and your partner respond to it can make a meaningful difference. Small, consistent actions – responding to bids for connection, communicating needs clearly, and offering support during stress – help prevent anxiety from driving disconnection or conflict. Over time, these intentional efforts can strengthen your relationship and deepen emotional connection.
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Turning Towards
We know from the research that happy couples turn towards each other’s bids 86% of the time. In contrast, couples whose relationships were unstable turned toward each other only about 33% of the time.
These findings underscore how significant bids — and responses to them — are in shaping the relational dynamic. The overall quality of a partnership is less about grand gestures and more about the small, everyday moments of attention, responsiveness, and engagement. Over time, these repeated interactions influence how partners experience one another and how secure the relationship feels.
2. Communicating your needs
Anxiety can heighten sensitivity for both partners, making criticism more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead of saying, “You’re not helping and it’s making this worse,” try expressing the underlying feeling and need: “I’m feeling anxious right now and could use some reassurance,” Framing the concern around your internal experience rather than your partner’s shortcomings makes it easier for them to respond with support instead of reacting to criticism.
3. Stress reducing conversation
Setting aside time each day to talk about stress outside the relationship can help lower overall stress levels. Dr. John Gottman’s research found that couples who reported being happy in their relationships engaged in this type of conversation regularly.
The purpose of this discussion is to offer support, not to fix the problem unless advice is requested. When a stressed partner feels heard and understood, it reinforces the sense that you are on the same team and strengthens emotional connection.
Final Thoughts
Anxiety can place real strain on a relationship, especially when it goes unrecognized or unaddressed. The goal is to learn how to deal with anxiety by understanding what it is and responding to it in ways that protect connection. When couples communicate clearly, support one another during stress, and stay responsive in small daily moments, they create a more stable and secure partnership over time.
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