Guy Mont Spelling Bee delivers a truly joyous episode, all thanks to one Dame Lynda Topp.
Every now and then someone comes along and rips straight through the very fabric of even the loosest of comedy panel shows, opening up a portal to a whole new dimension of laughs and a previously unplumbed depth of absurdity. It happened when David Correos started rapping about drowning Matt Heath in his own blood on Taskmaster, or basically anytime Josh Thomson sits in the 7 Days studio and decides to yell something “quite full on”.
Now joining this proud tradition is Dame Lynda Topp, whose appearance on Guy Mont Spelling Bee last week instantly earned her a spot on our Mount Rushmore of all-time panel show appearances. Introduced by host Guy Montgomery as “a woman who loves spelling so much she has the extra letters DNZM,” there is a poignant start to proceedings as it becomes clear the episode was filmed before the tragic death of Lynda’s twin sister Jools in May this year.
“We all know that my sister has had cancer for many years and she was going to be here today,” Lynda tells the studio audience. “Unfortunately she’s doing her radiation – which is probably great for me, because she’s a much better speller.”
But we needn’t adjust our twin sets for fear of things getting too morose, because what Lynda unleashes over the next 43 minutes would have made her sister a proud camp leader indeed. While fellow panellists Madeleine Sami, Jeremy Corbett and Lesa Macleod-Whiting wonder if they should bow in her presence, Lynda explains why she’s not worried about her spelling abilities at the age of 68: “We’ve made a lot of money and we’ve never had to spell anything.”
Still, it’s all gravy when it comes to spelling gravy. “G-R-A-V-Y,” Lynda says immediately with confidence, circumventing the usual bit of banter with the host that usually sees players ask for a wry definition or a language of origin. “I think that is part of your plan: you talk a lot of shit to people before they get a chance to spell the word,” she scolds Montgomery, before turning to her fellow contestants. “Get the word out and then let him have his moment.”
In a later round based on hobbies, Lynda again shows off an untouchable ability to subvert expectations, launching into a filibuster about the intricacies of crafting fishing flies. “I am imitating insects, either a nymph and emerger, or a dry fly, that will trick a trout,” she explains. “You are making it in the darkness of your room with the light and your magnifying glass – because it is a size 18 hook that I’m using.” “…Saves me asking later,” says Montgomery.
But wait: there’s also prop comedy. Trying to get a better look at a cubist rendering of herself, Lynda swiftly tries on multiple pairs of glasses from thin air before settling on a pair of aviators. “It looks like Jools, it doesn’t look like me!” she exclaims, before spelling Picasso “frenetically” (and incorrectly). The bad luck continues when she spells the wrong “cue” from the nightmare clue “that was my cue to join the back of the kyu queue.” Her reaction? “What a crock of shit.”
This is not even the first time that Lynda Topp has called a spade a spade on TV this year. At the Aotearoa Music Awards, she unleashed a blistering and hilarious battle cry for the arts. “If someone invades Aotearoa, what are we going to do?” she said. “You put Alien Weaponry up the front and you put Dick Move beside them, and you put Hori Shaw on a horse in behind them and I’m going to be at the top of the hill – ain’t nobody going to get through us, baby!”
We must protect these electric, unplanned television moments at all costs because, to butcher an old internet adage, joy is scarce and of extremely high value these days. Which is all to say, I want to see Dame Lynda Topp on every unscripted New Zealand series moving forward. Get her playing “kūmara in a box” on Celebrity Treasure Island, get her speaking in riddles at The Traitors roundtable, get her fly-fishing with politicians on Q+A immediately.
Ultimately, Lynda lost the Spelling Bee episode after spelling “Grizabella” as “Rzzzabbbyfumbla” and “pas de bourrée” as “Pad?doue”, leaving her destined for the Dunce’s Corner. But this is Lynda Topp we are talking about here, and there was one more twist in store. “As a dame there are two things that I cannot do. The first one is that you are not allowed to dance naked on tables – anymore – and the other thing is you must not have a title with a D in it ever again.”
With that, she demanded that episode winner Jeremy Corbett take her place in the Dunce’s Corner, and have his duncehood bestowed upon him by one of our greatest comedy legends. He obliged, as one does when asked to humiliate themselves by a dame, walking with her arm in arm to his fate. The other contestants followed like delighted lemmings as a confetti canon went off in the studio to end one of the greatest episodes of a local panel show in ages.
“What a treat,” Corbett can be heard saying as the credits roll. “What a treat.”
Click here to watch Guy Montgomery’s Guy Mont Spelling Bee on ThreeNow
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