Alex Casey power ranks week three of The Traitors NZ, in which Paul Henry has a field day and a sacrificial lamb is led to the slaughter.
As the Pentatonix once said “o come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant” – it’s another week on The Traitors NZ and about the only person having a good time at the lodge is Paul Henry. This man is wearing a brand new hat every day, trying out some stand up gags (“I slept like a baby last night, awake every two hours hungry”) and even getting to ride an orange tractor around.
But of course, this is The Traitors NZ and nothing is ever as it seems. “Something truly terrible has happened,” he told the contestants on Monday night, crestfallen. What could it possibly be Paul? A murder? A mutiny? A banishment? “My vin au rouge been delivered to wrong place, quelle horror.” Our thoughts and prayers are with you in this trying time, Paul.
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MURDERED: Brodie Kane (faithful)
Brodie was so cheesed off at being murdered that she crumpled up the murder notice not once but TWICE. A strong player sadly taken out by the traitors after delivering too powerful a laser stare. It’s not all bad news though: at least the melodrama of Anna Reeve crying out “Brodie’s been murdered” had huge Mr G doing “Thank God You’re Here” energy. If we can’t laugh in the face of death, then when can we laugh?
BANISHED: Fili Tapa (faithful)
In his defence, of course Fili would ask to go into the armory twice – it has “arm” in the name and the man does at least 200 push-ups a day!! Alas, the fitness influencer couldn’t strong-arm his way out of the dreaded roundtable pile-on, and was wrongfully banished from the lodge.
BANISHED: Robbie Bell (traitor, nee faithful)
Can I just say that in terms of who can “let me entertain you”, Robbie Bell > Robbie Williams. After being seduced into being a traitor, Robbie skipped into breakfast with the confidence of a man in tiger-print smalls in a Rock DJ video. She joked about “killing” for fruit, she threw her hand up when Colin asked “hands up if you’re a traitor” and she seemed on top of the world.
“I’ve had my best day so far” she said after successfully identifying some sheep, unaware that she was about to become the sacrificial lamb herself. At the roundtable, her fellow traitors Brooke and Dan voted to banish her, leaving her no choice but to wink lazily in Dan’s direction. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and a wink is best served with two eyes, not one.
10) Darth Vanda (faithful)
Is this actually The Force Awakens NZ? Because I can’t see Darth Vanda anywhere at all!!!
9) Julia Vahry (faithful)
Wanted: former police officer last seen doing strange jellyfish handshake. Do not approach.
8) Brooke Howard-Smith (traitor)
I have a theory that you can tell who is a traitor based entirely on who does the most boisterous thing when they come in through the door at breakfast. This week, Brooke Howard-Smith either danced in chanting “I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive!!!” or did jazz hands while bellowing “SHOW ME THE PASTRIES!!” If that wasn’t evidence enough, he also did a JOKE VOTE for Sam at the roundtable AND deceived the faithfuls in the wine bucket challenge. The man is getting away with literal murder, and I simply have to take my AMOG hat off to him.
7) Sam Smith (faithful)
A weird turn from Sam Smith this week. One day he was so “miffed” at Dr Pastries (Brooke Howard-Smith) that he started planning a mutiny against him. The next day, the two walked into breakfast like besties and Sam apologised to Brooke and said “I know you are not a traitor.” I have no idea what changed, but I am certain it has something to do with Sam Smith suddenly wearing an AMOG hat in his interviews. Mind control? Just asking the question.
6) Dan Sing (traitor)
As reticent as I was about some of the “complete strangers” actually being lifelong friends, it is kind of funny to watch Dan constantly sweat over his loudmouth longtime bestie Brooke nearly blowing their cover 24/7. But now that he has fallen victim to the double-eyed Robbie wink, I fear his days are numbered. Will the champion poker know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em? I can’t wait to find out.
5) Dylan Reeve (faithful)
Dylan immediately sniffed out that Robbie would be the best pick for a seduction, and remains suspicious of both Brooke’s loudness and Dan’s quietness. In Dylan we trust.
4) Anna Reeve (faithful)
Anna was the prime witness to Robbie throwing daggers in Dan’s direction, so we can only pray she sticks to her guns and follows her gut. “I thought she was looking at Paul Henry,” Brooke feebly suggested. Pay no attention to the man with the pastries Anna!!!
3) Colin Mathura-Jeffree (faithful)
I take back what I said in the intro – the only other person having a good time at The Lodge is Colin Mathura-Jeffree. “Every night, when I’m soaking in the bath, I’m thinking this could be it,” he cooed to the camera, fluttering a beautiful fan. He may have come from a “duplicitous vocation” but CMJ is having one delicious vacation.
2) Justine Smith (faithful)
Detective Justine Smith is seeing and hearing all, and isn’t afraid to call out the “hot mess” that was Brooke Howard-Smith going rogue during the wine mission. “People shouldn’t be shouting if it had been a successful mission,” she suggested, dodging Brooke Howard-Smith’s jazz hands. “There’s a sense of unfairness.” She stayed calm and collected while going into bat for the underdog, and now I’m thinking… Justine Smith for PM?
1) Kings (faithful)
Three weeks in and it’s official: Kings is worrying ‘bout it. “I might be Robbie, I might be a hairdresser from Christchurch,” he confessed to the camera. “I don’t know if my girlfriend is my girlfriend anymore… my daughter has had two birthdays.” Still, he lives to see another day after cleverly whipping around the lodge and telling absolutely anything with a pulse that he was a faithful. Run free Kings, run free.
HONOURABLE MENTION
And the Academy Award for actor in a supporting role goes to…. this sheep in the role of “Traitor 2”.
The Traitors NZ continues Monday and Tuesdays 7.30pm on Three, and streaming on ThreeNow.
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